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being human

….and thinking makes it so….

We live these finite lives and each of our days we fill with continuous thought.  In a way I suppose we are our thoughts because it is these very thoughts that construct our worlds, opinions, actions, emotions, choices….the manifest  ‘reality’ of our days.

There is a quote from Hamlet that often leaps to my mouth….’There is neither bad or good but thinking makes it so.’

…..’thinking makes it so….’

I am sure many would make debate about the existence and definition of ‘good’ and ‘bad’.  But my focus of curiosity is on …..‘and thinking makes it so’.  As I peel layers of ‘self’ I find continuous chains of thinking.  Peeling brings thinking.  Writing brings thinking.  Most activities are thought based.  We are formulating thoughts constantly.  And all these thoughts inform and influence us.

Such influence in fact that there can be a challenge to know one self without the thoughts.  How can we separate our ‘essence’ from all the thinking?

I must say that in writing about this I put my pen down often.

I simultaneously feel I could write indefinitely (in circles) but that it is also as simple as the words of Hamlet. 

So then, why do I write?  Well, I feel compelled to follow threads and ask questions; to question the ‘thoughts’…..all the thinking.  Even though it is the mind I use to do this questioning (the mind that also indulges the habitual thinking process)….I find these flash moments of the unexpected.  Glimpses that are in between these mechanisms and offer me the very breath I use to interrupt the habits of thinking  that can limit me….get me stuck…..put me on auto-pilot.

To be honest, this experience is beyond words to truly describe.  But I feel it….something…..I feel it.  And I witness the possibility of interrupting thought and thinking.  I witness an expanded palette of ‘choices’ when I am aware (and interrupt) this slipstream of the mind; when I am not simply riding on the unquestioned suction of its propellers.

The vehicle of my thinking is an elaborate creation that has been in continuous design since my birth (at least).  How incredible.  How vast.  I don’t know that I could (or need to) dismantle such a work of ‘art’.  But I have found that creating spaces in the soundtrack of my thinking has changed my life.  Changed it in a way where I experience more compassion, spaciousness, unconditioned love and a range of choice.  I am able to see an array of other possibilities in my concepts, perceptions and ensuing emotions.   I also get to see where I feel attached to certain concepts and emotions.  I don’t feel inclined much these days to figure out these attachments as much as ask if they are serving to nourish.  What do they create?  Perpetuate?

(….’but thinking makes it so’….)

I have found there is a dance with thinking and that I am not just along for the ride.  There is infinite potential and discovery in those spaces within the slipstream/soundtrack of our thoughts.  These spaces are not quite as ‘straightforward’.  They leave a bit of mystery to it all and a loosening of the ego.  But if I am improvising with …..’and thinking makes it so’…..then perhaps I can counteract the possible discomfort that accompanies mystery with simply ‘thinking’ another potential  ‘reality’….

What do you think?

Thanks for coming along on the journey…..

being human

How is it that…..

I constantly come back to this same curiosity…..

”Why wouldn’t we love ourselves every moment of the day?”

Why not love authentically and unconditionally and how could this question ever get old or redundant?
When we love ourselves and live this inner experience of unconditioned Love it seems that what follows is that this love generates more love and ripples out to other people and situations.

It is quite simple and yet so complex. It becomes even more complicated when it seems we get confused about what is truly unconditioned Love. I have experienced people describing the ‘unconditioned Love’ they are enacting and yet there are so many subtle cues that perhaps it is not quite without conditions.
My way of cross checking myself is noticing if there is any ‘but’ or caveat attached to the love. For me, any ‘condition’ even remotely attached means there is still some refinement left for me to do. 
I generally then ask myself what the ‘but’ or condition means to me.
I also ask what possible reason I might have for not loving myself or another person without judgement?

Why isn’t the status quo more about meeting each person without judgement and reducing the habit of creating lesser than/greater than comparisons between us? Why do we write so many ‘stories’ that seek to limit people?
(When I say ‘stories’ I am talking about what we mentally ‘write’ about ourselves or others that somehow defines us or them. These definitions can then come to limit or ‘box-in’ ourselves or the other person. At times these stories can also incorporate a sense of us or them being ‘better’ than the other. What would happen if we saw everyone beyond the limitations of story? Can we do that?)

There are many factors for how we have gotten so entrenched in judgement, comparisons and a lack of self love….so many ways we have been conditioned to think these are healthy and normal human behavior.
In this mix is our general relationship with words and concepts.
Language can get fairly sticky when it comes to our ideas and stories about ourselves, others and the world.

A perfect word example would be the topic of this initial question: ‘Love’.
You could ask 100 people what it means and probably get 100 different answers or emotional responses. 
Try sitting with the concept of ‘Love’ for a few minutes and see all the different ideas, definitions and feelings that come to you. 
Now imagine that it is different for every person you might encounter in 1 day. And than multiply this times the diversity of each culture around the planet.
Where and how do we all meet on this fundamental word and concept? How can we use such a diverse and individualized expression in sweeping generalized ways?

We can apply this same exploration to other potent words/concepts:

Happiness
- Success
- Good
- Purpose

These and so many more are subject to the influences of the past and societal standards towards what is perceived as ‘normal’ and desirable.  Each has a ‘should’ attached to it in relation to our lives. And each one wields a heavy effect on our personalities, perceptions and the world we create.

How is it that we haven’t figured out that ‘normal’ is an illusion we buy into? How is it we are so readily accepting of criticism, judgement and competitive systems of coexistence as the standard?
When did this become the ‘norm’….and did it happen all at once or as a slow and quiet movement……

 

being human

All things connected……

I have noticed that my energy this last month has not been outward in my writing/sharing. I have been digesting and unwinding threads in my research about human trafficking and labor/sexual slavery (as I am about to work with 2 organizations in Nepal/India focused on these issues).

I suppose I am not surprised that as I research more I find how everything is connected. That all paths lead back to the core questions about:
~the roles we play out as humans
~whether or not we choose to question our conditioning no matter how ‘status quo’ it looks
~what happens when we are disconnected from our core sense of self love

My intention is to breathe into a practice of non-judgement and to look at these injustices through the lens of these essential questions. I don’t see how it is possible to separate any of it…..
How can we isolate human trafficking and forced sex labor as problems unto themselves. The issues are always complicated when it is about money and control/power. The threads of this go way back into history and in every geographic location. It is undeniably linked to prostitution, pornography, the sex industry, socio-economics, gender inequalities……it goes on and on.
Even the impressions I have personally had about strip clubs or prostitution (as becoming increasingly about an empowered choice more often than not) are being pretty much blown out of the water. All of it has been based on assumptions or misguided information that is far from accurate and simply convenient ‘smoke screens’.

Again, I am not here to judge….that is not my desire or my style.
I want to understand even though it is incredibly uncomfortable most days as I continue to learn more.

As I read and research about the rise and development of the sex industry here in the United States along with:
~the increase of violence in pornography in the last few years
~the rapid growth of internet pedophile sites/clubs in the United States (coinciding with the accessibility of the internet)
~ what is unraveling and being learned about the priests within the Catholic Church
~ American companies outsourcing to developing countries to run their pay per view live sex channels and the increase in violence and use of children for American clientele.
~ Perceptions men and young boys have about women in relation to violence and sex cultivated by exposure to pornography
~ The ‘why’s and ‘how’s of men choosing to pay for sex (with women and children) and what they expect and desire

……I realize all of this and more is shaping this territory of human trafficking and forced labor.

We have all allowed for this ‘settling in’ to an accepted sense of ‘norm’ when it comes to living our lives. We see every day (as the presidential race heats up) more prominent topics debated around the nature of religion, marriage and the Occupy Wall Street movement…..
So many judgements being cast and assumptions based on historical ‘values’ and ‘norms’…….
but how do we truly come to know ourselves and live in this diverse world together if we simply perpetuate old standards and imbalances?
How do we create common ground when each of us, to some degree, buys the ‘norms’ without question?

This includes our perceptions around:
~ ideas of success and competitive drive towards this ideal
~the gender roles we each accept and perform without question that shape the world we live in (in comfortable and disempowering ways)
~the inherited conditioning that shapes our choices and personality
~sex and our own sexuality

I understand to some degree our inclination towards this…….
…..if something is the accepted ‘norm’ why on earth would we question it?
That would seem like undue work wouldn’t it?
So I suppose that it is exactly this that I am pondering……that it comes down to each of us questioning our/the ‘norm’ and our comfort zone. To enact this ‘undue’ examination because it is perhaps the core of how atrocities such as human trafficking, slave labor and sex labor can be dissolved.
(Just look at something as recent as slavery and the Civil Rights Movement in our American history alone to get an idea of how this plays out)

What I speak of is a challenge on many levels for myself as well.
I have never had a direct issue with pornography or prostitution…..it has fallen into a category of ‘to each their own’ (to be honest I had not perviously put much thought into it). And I have no puritan ideals about sex to impose on anyone…..I believe in ‘let your freak flag fly’ as long as you are not harming someone else and not labeling, judging or imposing on one another.
And I am ALSO seeing how inherent the proliferation of pornography and prostitution is in the problems of sexual abuse with children, violence against women, sexism, pedophilia, forced sex labor and on and on…..
It was much simpler when I generally thought of these as separate issues….and yet the more I learn the more intertwined it all reveals itself to be. And the more I realize every choice we make can underlie these societal conditionings around gender subservience and sexual dynamics (what it means to be a ‘man’, a ‘woman’ and how we repress or express our perceived sexual drive).

They say (and I agree) that you can pass laws and legislation but the only true way to eliminate this epidemic (of trafficking and forced sex labor) is to decrease demand.
How can we do that?

What is it in our humanity that perpetuates the instinct to exploit those we see as weaker or vulnerable?
How do we continually act out injustices on others to have power, control and financial gain?
What is it about our sexuality and gender roles that feeds such a demand for the sex industry to exist?
Why do we allow and make room for anything that does harm and makes any person or group ‘less than’ and abused?
I am not judging people for what they do….instead I am trying to understand what drives us to want those things that directly or indirectly harms another person. In my opinion, condemning people for these choices does little to understand the ‘why’…..it just allows us to point fingers.
There are ways in which each of us perpetuates less than nourishing stereotypes and prejudiced ideas about what it means to be a woman, a man or simply a ‘successful’ human being.
How can we each create awareness and responsibility for the subtleties of our own thoughts and perceptions as a form of revolution?
Or at the least….a slow unwinding of prevailing inequalities……

Thanks for riding this with me…..
take care of yourself and one another….
Jacqueline

ps
feel free to check out:
resonanceofhumans.wordpress.org
to learn more about the work I am doing and human trafficking.

being human

Self Care redux

Self care……
A topic revisited…..

This is something that means very different things to different people and manifests differently just as much.
I have heard friends speak about wanting to put more attention towards this and yet it becomes elusive for them. It’s clear that the desire for ‘self care’ tools is strong so why does it seem to evade us?

As I ask these questions I look within myself for as many perspectives as possible in the complexity of being human. I untether my fixed thinking and allow myself to get a broader view from many angles.

Each of us has our own individualized range of personal (and conditioned) perspectives. They can be simultaneously our blessing and challenge. Our unique conditioning is what allows each of us to discover our own particular insights and teachings in the world.
This discovery comes from personal reflection, questioning and being curious about one self.
What works for one person may or may not work for all. We can certainly be inspired by what others discover but I believe it is ultimately a personal journey of the individual to reflect and ask questions. It is amazing to be motivated by things and people outside of us but to remember that the spark of this inspiration is coming from within us. We could not see, feel or realize any of it if it weren’t first inside of us.

I mention this because I feel that many people detach from their insights of personal growth, giving it away to something/someone outside of them. It seems easier to assign wisdom to anything other than our selves. This balance is critical to me on the path of self-care.

In many ways, personal reflection and awareness can sound so simple in print but can be a bit more complicated to embody and integrate. It asks us to touch upon and inquire in areas that are not necessarily our ‘comfort’ zone. It can immerse you in vulnerability and places of uncertainty.
I believe a key companion to accompany personal reflection/awareness is an abundant dose of authentic compassion or non-judgment. It’s not confusing to me why many of our vulnerable or uncertain parts might not want to reveal themselves if they think they’re going to be beat up, invalidated or criticized.
We need to be able to witness and hold ourselves with deep respect, reverence and love for all that we are…..every part of us…..right now…..not some ideal in the future. Right now, this breath, with all the blessings and challenges that are part of us.

Perhaps now I might re-focus towards the practical.
It’s all fine and good to talk about loving oneself but sometimes all the talk keeps it a bit intangible. I think when it comes to the details of self care we all find those foggy places and are not quite sure what the next step might be. More often than not we can be inspired by something we heard or read….. but without practical tools it remains this lofty goal or a cozy notion for ‘some day in the future when I am an evolved person’.
My sense is that we are that evolved person right now and much of what we need is within us this very moment. Like riding a bike….we have the tools we need but we have to practice and get the feel for it.
As I have said before, I think what ends up serving the individual on their journey of self-care (aka: self love) will be ongoing and uniquely their own creation. Each of us has our own learning curves, our triggers and different needs. Discovering more about all of them can help you create tools for shifting your old patterns….in particular, patterns that limit your capacity for self-care. Only you can do this level of personal questioning and discovery.

I thought I might share a few tools that work for me and perhaps you might get sparked or inspired to improvise with them and create for yourself…….

-I ask questions…….

For self-care I ask myself if a situation, person or pattern nourishes me. Then, I listen with a soft heart of non-judgment.
The listening is equally as important as the asking in this.

I also speak to myself as a ‘tribe (see my other post about ‘inner tribe’), acknowledging that I have different aspects of myself that show up with varied opinions and needs at different times.

I compassionately listen to the diverse voices that sometimes emerge and simply honor and respect them …without judgment. (You might be surprised what you can learn when you listen without pre-conceived ideas of ‘right and wrong’)

The more I learn about the needs of these different parts I slowly gain insight about my personal behaviors and habits.

As we get to know ourselves more……we realize that one size does not always fit all. Through our self-awareness that comes from questioning, trial and error…… we can understand why some tools work for us while others don’t. We can let go of comparisons and make choices based on personal wisdom and our own unique needs.

Bottom line:
I question, listen without judgment and allow myself to gain insight into how I personally function so I can create effective new tools and technique based on this insight.

-I make lists and observe

Instead of trying to figure it all out ……I simply make a list of objective observations.
This might look like:
~Tightening in chest
~Rapid fire thoughts
~Sense of overwhelm
~Need to distract
~Swelling of anger
~Feeling of insecurity

Nine times out of ten there are all sorts of indicators or re-occurring behaviors that accompany periods of lacking self-care. Many of these are entrenched or learned and have yet to be interrupted.

I simply make the list and leave it until later.
Then when I am not immersed in the feelings/sensations I can connect to things on the list with curiosity.
This will then lead me back to asking simple questions and listening to what follows.

This simple act of listing helps me observe objectively. From there insights can emerge.

It is only through the guide of personal awareness that I am able to unwind the habits that deplete me. Lists teach me to be an engaged observer who is my own best ally.

-When steeped in emotions….
Try to notice the emotion and pause….create a little space.
Remind yourself that what you are feeling is just a moment in time and let it keep moving. Try not to let it get stuck or frozen. Every moment is completely fresh and new. Try thinking of each moment as un-fabricated. Next, look at the ‘entanglement’ and say to yourself ‘there is nothing wrong here’….and notice how that feels….observe whatever thoughts or feelings that follow.
Relax your grip on the moment…..relax the storyline and allow yourself to breathe back into open space inside. Open space without storyline can sometimes be threatening to the habitual pattern so it’s not always simple to manifest. There are many attachments to the image of ‘me’ …….looking and being a ‘right’ way and retreating into this familiar version of self can feel more secure than the wide open space. Space is threatening because there is nothing to hold onto or attach to there.

Play with these….and play with your own imagination and perceptions.
(I sometimes think we underestimate the role of imagination in our own self-discovery. It is a powerful ally when we let it be.)
Perhaps something in these tools might assist you on your discovery of learning yourself….wide-open.

……loving oneself without conditions and judgment IS self-care…..

Thanks for visiting!

being human

Vessels of light

In this life you have maybe minutes
           (seconds)
it moves swiftly between our measured quantities

This being human

           the joys the sorrows
           the anticipation the revelry
           the buoyant the petty
           the magic the solitude
           the blessing the challenge

Can you embrace them all….. as a river running through
In the finite of your breathing…..can you find the cracks of light
           perception

seek them out

everything concurrently a vessel of light
we merge
unfold

every person
creation of nature
object-word-deed-thought
illumination and darkness
exploring the balance

now
lose the words
now
stray into these shadows of light

untangle mind
           grow the heart
this is ours
yes
this journey
           this breath

philosophy

Comfort

I am contemplating ‘comfort’ and pondering the many ways it may or may not influence our choices and behaviors.

How does each of us create and move towards or away from comfort in our lives? What role, if any, does predictability/the familiar play in this? To what lengths will we go to maintain and sustain our ideas of comfort?

That last question in particular really feels significant to me. I find myself so curious about what comfort means to us and the affect each of our own personal choices for comfort has on one another and the world…..the simultaneous blessing and challenge of it.

Comfort and creating patterns of predictability in our lives can be a way to create security perhaps especially in times when we feel a lack of it. This can take many shapes but some of the more obvious ways we design it is through the work we choose, the friends we keep, choices we sustain or emotional reactions and scenarios we play out. (We can also see within groups of people and communities how they seek to maintain the familiar and levels of comfort…..sometimes at the expense of others)

I think we have developed many different ways of how we relate to and design comfort for ourselves and it is truly a vast and nuanced realm. I feel our human condition strives for comfort and quite often we have found and maintained through more easily accessible and perhaps culturally conditioned patterns. We choose the familiar on many levels even when it might not nourish us on the whole. Along with this, I also believe our concepts of comfort are deeply informed by societal ‘norms’ and status quo in ways that are both obvious and imperceptible.
In what ways do you maintain your own level of comfort? Can you notice any ways that your ideas are shaped by society and social environment?

Comfort and the familiar somehow allow us to feel safe and offer stability (think of the phrase ‘going outside your comfort zone”). The flipside of this I find interesting…..it is the place of feeling discomfort or insecurity and it is not a place we like to linger. We generally find ways to move away from these experiences, sometimes by extreme measures and many times by maintaining patterns of familiar and predictable behaviors. Again, even when they might not nourish the whole.
(And sincerely I am always amazed at how resourceful and brilliant we each are in our ability to create a sense of safety and ‘survival’ through different techniques both conscious and unconscious.)
Generally speaking, I don’t see people consciously seeking out and moving eagerly towards ideas, emotions or places that might bring their world into question or put them in a place of discomfort. This makes sense as I think there can be a certain amount of fear that accompanies change. We like to rest assured that some things are ‘matter of fact’ and cannot be questioned. We count on these things as our foundation to build upon since we believe our foundation needs to be unshakeable. We learn that change, permeability and sometimes not having any answers are not typically desirable qualities of basic human security and comfort. These things are not synonymous with comfort.

But life and being human is truly filled with mystery and discomfort ……by nature they are inseparable. And to be honest I think we have given ‘discomfort’ a bad reputation, perhaps overlooking the potential within it if we can meet it with curiosity and openness.

We will all have times in our lives where we find ourselves in uncomfortable circumstances of upheaval or change without knowingly inviting any of it. Sometimes these are small blips on the radar and we can push through by holding steadfast to our patterns…..but other times they really wallop us and cast us into deep waters. During these more oceanic events, each of us will have our own unique experience. But the journey will likely include variations of trying to stay above water, finding familiar shores and returning to our pre-existing ideas of comfort.

Have you ever experienced something like this? Can you relate this to different times in your own life? How did you meet these events and where did the journey take you?

I know what it was like for myself during the most potent time of upheaval in my life many years ago. I felt like I was drowning and I would have grabbed at anything to stay above water and hold on to my designed concepts of safety and comfort……ideas of ‘me’ and life. But circumstances (and my unconscious self) conspired to challenge me on every level. I fought hard for my constructed ideals and at a certain point I realized I needed to try something radical. I had to surrender to the unknown. I had to stop clinging and allow something truly new to emerge. At first I was afraid of drowning….but the surrender that came gave permission to let the waters transform me and to make ‘peace’ with the unknown. The darkness of this unknown felt like ‘death’ but sometimes that darkness or what might feel like a ‘death’ is simply some part of us changing or evolving…..shifting.
(And just to be honest……while I was in this process it was unbelievably uncomfortable and not easy by any means. But through practice and time it has gotten easier to be with discomfort and the inevitability of accepting the unfamiliar.)

Those shifts are not always comfortable and quite often we are eager to get out of this sensation and jump to the next landmass or stable concept of self and life. We very quickly construct a new familiar and fill it with answers more often than questions. We sidestep the ‘void’ or mystery in our intricate map of creating ‘safety’ and avoiding vulnerability.

I know that if my circumstances hadn’t been a ‘perfect storm’ I would have gladly sidestepped and played it ‘safe’……probably not even gotten my toes wet. I would have totally chosen ‘comfort’ and the familiar……
………and I would be living a perfectly lovely life right now……just a different one. But there was no choosing at the time as I was thrown into the middle of an ocean with no land in sight. So here I am now and what unfolded for me was a new relationship to mystery and the unknown…..a personal landscape of questioning and being present with both elements of comfort and discomfort equally.

Which is what brings me to wonder……what would happen if each of us chose not to avoid discomfort or feelings of insecurity? What would happen if we chose to move towards our fear and simply be with our discomfort and the unknown? What if we moved towards vulnerability?

Well, it would simply be a different way of living our lives……not better or worse….. but different.

In many ways it is easier to continue with what you already know……to create and maintain comfort and a sense of security through holding on to what is familiar. We are quite skilled at distracting ourselves just enough to avoid addressing things that question the familiar and perhaps invite discomfort, insecurity or vulnerability

The interesting thing in taking this route is that we cannot deny the ever-changing nature of the world around us and the evolving nature of the self. When we try to maintain and stay attached, not allowing space for change, this resistance can create a tension that ironically generates more discomfort even though we were trying to avoid it.

So I have become curious as to how we might create core comfort……the comfort of being You in the world (and in your own skin), a relationship to the unknown and having a sense of fundamental security within yourself. This is a comfort and security that is not based on anything tangible since we know that all things change and are permeable. This different form of ‘comfort’ might actually allow us to simultaneously be with discomfort and the unfamiliar as we realize they too have something to offer us.

Questions and curiosities…..
In what ways do you notice you might avoid discomfort?
What would be some practical ways to move towards discomfort or invite change or the unfamiliar as a path of nourishing yourself?

Perhaps a place to start is to gently take a look at some of the ways we create comfort and security in our daily lives as a means for avoiding change and vulnerability. Can you meet these with curiosity and non-judgment?

Whatever the circumstance or unique quality of you, how does this self -awareness and un-conditioned love offer even more possibilities in this amazing journey of the self?

Thanks for connecting…..
blessings,
Jacqueline

philosophy

short and sweet from the heart

…..we strive, yearn…..
for this Love……and it is here…..within us…..deeply and purely…..

I witness and take in this ‘being human’……so many people…..so many common threads riding along side the diversity……so many…….the desire for connection, being seen, to love and be loved…..whatever that means to us……
I weep such resonant tears……all the incredible beauty all around….right there with the challenges and the struggles….the beauty each of us is………

I see all of us and everything connected……so incredibly radiant……
and I see it fray too….the divisiveness of words, judgement, fear, conditioning…..all these and more that can limit, separate or numb us……

And I practice…..bringing myself back time and time again…..to see the radiance…….because it will never vanish even when I am temporarily without my vision……

philosophy

What would da Vinci do?

It’s early morning and the sky is lighting up……
I feel sparked by several recent interactions……always my curiosity weaving…..

I went to a craft fair yesterday and there was an artist whose work I thought was really good. In talking she had said she found inspiration in Leonardo da Vinci’s work and then continued to make sure I understood that she was in no way comparing her work to his. I said ‘why not compare and why wouldn’t you and Leonardo both be equally good…yet different?’. (This concept is sometimes confusing for people as we are all wired towards status and prestige….the evaluation and criteria for what makes someone or something of ‘worth’.) I went on to simply say that ‘Yes, I appreciate and honor his work/talent but why would we create a hierarchy that put him so high above? Why would her talents not be viewed as on par with his?” I thanked her for her work and said I appreciate her talent as I would da Vinci….even with their unique differences.
She then told me that this was the nicest thing she had heard all day…..
…….which is cool and all…..but why isn’t this what we are already telling ourselves each day?

I am so curious about these compartments we create and levels…..these systems of status or hierarchy. We implement them in many forms….even in something as simple as cooking a meal or having a conversation and it usually involves some layers of criticism, comparisons and self deprecation.
In the realms of celebrity and prestige (within any craft or field) it is challenging to not keep them separate from us and elevated…..to compare ourselves and yet not feel we can be ‘equal’. (This is not to say we can’t have people we look to for inspiration and for whom we offer our respect for their perceived talents and work)
But why not consider ourselves equal? What harm does this create? What happens if we let go of status while maintaining reverence?

For me this extends into all human interaction……a co-worker, yoga teacher, friend, family member…..how do I appreciate their talents or qualities in things such as cooking, socializing, family, finances, physical appearance etc etc…….and not elevate them (or myself). How do I cultivate a new status quo inside myself that is equality? ….we are different yet equal……

Whether it is an artist that is considered a ‘master’…..a well known writer, teacher or chef……or simply day to day interactions and activities……how are we maintaining this practice of comparison or judgement that the end result is a ‘pecking order’? And why?
Seriously, I am asking you ‘why’? What are the reasons or answers you find?

I am an advocate of celebrating individual talents and efforts….so this is not a bid to make everyone monochromatic.
‘Equal’ is not a lessening….
…….it is the real possibility to embrace what lies underneath all our conditioning.

Try this:
During the course of the next few days discover situations where perhaps you might not perceive yourself (or someone else) as equal…..even the small, fleeting moments……and allow yourself to invite a sense of equality. Try to let got of any sense of ‘greater than, lesser than’ and just feel a balance of status, value or ‘worth’ between you and this other person. (This might be in a focused field such as artwork or fitness activities…..or it could be general qualities like generosity or kindness.) Just work with your perceptions or visualizations and see what you notice. Try not to force anything or judge what unfolds…..simply witness.
(You could also observe where you see this happening in the media, entertainment or in your own social circles. Again, just notice it and see if you can play with your perceptions and be curious about some of our ‘accepted’ patterns of thought and status.)

You never know what you might discover…….

Thanks so much for reading……..
Jacqueline

being human

Happiness continued

Still swishing this ‘happiness’ thing around within me……

After writing the other post I began to bring even more attention to the moments, thoughts and sensations that support, enhance or cultivate what I call ‘happiness’. As the ‘list’ grew I came to more clearly verbalize within me that it is not a thing, person or event that makes me happy per se…..the happiness or contentment I feel is as I described in my previous writing……a constant light and ‘pillar’.

And….. there are also those moments when it becomes more radiant and sensational…..

So I had an ongoing ‘list’ yesterday of these moments that stood out to me…..and I was having so much fun with it I thought I would share. It also made me wonder about other people’s ‘lists’……..what would your list have on it especially if it included all the small routine moments that bring satisfaction…..not just the ‘wow, beacon of light’ moments……

Here are some of my happiness supportive moments of the last 24 hrs……

~driving with the window down and a song I don’t know comes on the radio and there is a melody line that takes me in
~drinking goat milk from the jar
~driving and the traffic feels perfectly synchronized and everything is in flow
~sitting on the porch and improvising with my voice a song across the street to the trees
~reading an excerpt from Herman Hesse
~the smell of the apple as I am about to take a bite
~watching 2 teenagers sitting on a street bench talking
~talking with the cashier at the grocery store
~seeing the light on the mountain tips
~a moment in a song where I hear an instrument for a brief second and then it is perfectly gone
~witnessing an older couple walking together
~a street filled with kids shuffling in costumes and people sitting on their front porch with candies
~firelight
~a night of restless sleep
~homemade yogurt
~laughing with a ‘stranger’
~tenderly stroking the head of my sweetie
~the quiet of early morning

….it goes on and on……

I also wanted to share this excerpt from Herman Hesse’s “Wandering”……..

“A longing to wander tears my heart when I hear trees rustling in the wind at evening. If one listens to them silently for a long time, this longing reveals its kernel, its meaning. It is not so much a matter of escaping from one’s suffering, though it may seem to be so. It is a longing for home, for a memory of the mother, for new metaphors for life. It leads home. Every path leads homeward, every step is birth, every step is death, every grave is mother.
So the tree rustles in the evening, when we stand uneasy before our own childish thoughts. Trees have long thoughts, long breathing and restful, just as they have longer lives than ours. They are wiser than we are, as long as we do not listen to them. But when we have learned how to listen to trees, then the brevity and the quickness and the childlike hastiness of our thoughts achieve an incomparable joy. Whoever has learned how to listen to trees no longer wants to be a tree. He wants to be nothing except what he is. That is home. That is happiness.”

happiness

The pursuit of happiness

I reflect on and sit with the nature of happiness frequently and recently had the topic come up a few times …. I saw a movie about happiness, a TED talk video and also listened to the perspective of a friend on the topic…….all of which made me a bit more curious.
How do we each feel happiness? How do we express it and do we need to express it outwardly? Culture seems to affect the definition or packaging of happiness on some level but does it change the nature of it?
Can we become dependent on certain things in our life for our sense of happiness? Can happiness simply be a constant flow within us marked with highs and lows?

I know that in places like Bhutan they have found a way to assess ‘Gross National Happiness'(GNH) and focus there instead of ‘Gross Domestic Product'(GDP)…..

When I read about GNH this is what I find:

There is no exact quantitative definition of GNH, but elements that seem to contribute to GNH are subject to quantitative measurement. For example, low rates of infant mortality correlate positively with subjective expressions of well-being or happiness within a country.
GNH refers to the concept of a quantitative measurement of well-being and happiness. The two measures are both motivated by the notion that subjective measures like well-being are more relevant and important than more objective measures like consumption. It is not measured directly, but only the factors which are believed to lead to it.
A second-generation GNH concept, treating happiness as a socioeconomic development metric, was proposed in 2006. The metric measures socioeconomic development by tracking seven development areas including the nation’s mental and emotional health. GNH value is proposed to be an index function of the total average per capita of the following measures:
Economic Wellness, Environmental Wellness, Physical Wellness, Mental Wellness, Workplace Wellness. Social Wellness, Political Wellness”

I found many other assessments, scales and behavioral models that have been developed in the past couple decades focusing on this perhaps immeasurable thing called ‘happiness’. And what strikes me most is that what we are talking about (and measuring) is incredibly and truly subjective.
Even the critics of measuring GNH state that because GNH depends on a series of subjective judgments about well-being, it is open to much interpretation (and manipulation) as far as results…..not to mention cross-cultural differences.

If you ‘google’ happiness…there are infinite sites containing explanations, thoughts and ideas on this highly sought after subjective sensation. I was amazed and I suppose not totally surprised.
I know that there are endless books written about how to ‘find’ happiness or attain happiness…..as it seems everyone is ‘looking’ for it….or more of it.

I am wondering if our perception of what happiness is has gotten a bit narrowed or confused……it seems that it has become more like something that can be packaged and defined, bought and sold…..or perhaps like the ever dangling carrot on a stick…..

In the Declaration of Independence I find the wording to be fascinating…….

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all ‘men’ are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”
Why is happiness not stated as being inherent but as something to be ‘pursued’?

Does this offer an indication that we cannot be complacent with our ‘happiness’ and that it is ever evolving, shape-shifting and needing caring attention? Or were the authors of this document going with the ‘grab the bull by the horns’ mentality of you have to ‘earn’ your happiness……nothing is free.
Or have people always been trying to attain a sense of happiness and that is why they are being reminded they have the right to pursue it?

Here are some definitions I found online……

Happiness is an adjective….so it describes……

1. State of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.
2. Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase.
3. Cheerful; willing:
4. Having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction .
5. Feeling pleasure or contentment.

When I read things like ‘contentment’, ‘pleasure’, ‘joy’, ‘satisfaction’……even ‘happiness’…….these are things I find to be very subjective and personal. We might find things in common for sure….but our experience of them cannot truly be compared.

I believe ‘happiness’ is in fact free and, most often, already inherent in our design. I think the confusion for most of us has been how we have come to define and idealize ‘happiness’ (it is almost seen as a ‘cure-all’…..and an ‘if only I had it’ reassurance). There seems to be a defined idea of how it should look and feel across the board….and I don’t think that is how it actually comes to exist for many of us….especially in our diverse biology and culture.
I know that I personally needed to rewire and reframe what ‘happiness’ was as the ‘pursuit’ of the ideal was making me miserable.
I needed to realize that ‘happiness’ was right now…this moment…even if I was agitated, frustrated or sad. That my happiness was not at the expense of the other emotions of living a human life and vice versa. That it never went away even when a different emotion was exerting itself within me. Even when I am feeling sadness or challenge, which ebb and flow in their same beautiful ways as happiness, it doesn’t defeat or replace my happiness. It is not ever a question of ‘either/or’ for me…..they coexist and are a part of this complex matrix of being alive and being human.
I learned that my happiness was part of each and every bit of all things I feel and was inseparable. And I could experience it in so many nuanced ways and express it outwardly in just as many different ways (from effusive joy to contemplative wonder….from ecstatic bouncy-ness to mundane contentment). It didn’t matter what it looked like on the outside…..only that I was able to bring awareness to the presence of it….that it was woven throughout my days.

hmmmmmmmm……..
Some random examples…..
Happiness is in the birth and the farewells of my goat friends, it is in the wonderment I feel when I sit with my black and white photography, it is when I prepare vegetables, it is watching dust specks in the sunlight, it is in how the Kung Fu master beetle walks on the wall, it is in the crying child at the grocery store, it is every random connective moment I share with a stranger, it is sitting on a back porch quietly with a friend, it is in my discerning opinions about the political system, it is the rabbit hole of humanity in which I dive, it is in making hot water in the morning, in the laughter and tears with my sweetie……all these every day moments are my happiness. And sometimes they become more gushing moments like when I am adventuring with Asa, surfing in the ocean, frolicking with Lark or having found myself with a magical group of playful people and we can bounce and pounce and sweat in a physical whirlwind……
but as much as I enjoy these ‘highlights’ (so to speak) they don’t take away from the happiness that breathes within me as a constant ebb and flow……the happiness and gratification that is being alive in this wondrous world……even when I might feel a discontent with my geography, daily presence of playmates etc……I am grateful that this happiness I feel is steady and reliable. It is my lighthouse in any storm, the pillar in my temple.

Happiness for me is a personal dance and intuition……a place of observing when my cells expand or contract. It is not a goal or focus….but a way of simply allowing……’being’. And it looks and feels (internally) so different for each and every one of us….it is brilliant like that. It is a personal, subjective and continuous unfolding that quite possibly might feel different than anything we have imagined.

In the same way I needed to reframe and open to Love and loving myself…..I discovered a constant friend when I allowed my experience of happiness to expand…..to let go of definitions and a desire for it to look a certain ‘way'(or for me to behave a certain ‘way’)…..the truth is that when I stop thinking how things ‘should’ be…..I realize I am living happiness every moment.

I will finish with this quote……not sure who wrote it…..
For me….. you can insert any quality in there…..’love’, ‘happiness’…….?……

“Love is there if you want it
you just have to see it’s wrapped in beauty
hidden away between the seconds of your life.
If you don’t stop for a minute, you might miss it’

Thanks for visiting……
Jacq

being human

The ‘Brain’

It is amazing to me that our perceptions, memories, experiences and general personalities are completely beholden to this thing we call the brain. It is the mission control and data bank of all things ‘us’. It’s an enigma while at the same time we are able to read volumes of research explaining some of its mechanisms and functions. From the very measurable maps of synapses and electrical discharges to the mysteries of memory and ‘consciousness’ (ie:the awareness the mind has of itself and the world)…… it defines each of us individually. We like to believe that we have control over our brains….. but the irony here is that it is the mind itself proposing this possibility in the first place.

As I write I wonder if one shortcoming here is in using the singular word/designation of ‘brain’ to describe something so vast, limitless and immeasurable. (Maybe instead of ‘brain’ I might refer to this expanse as the Incomprehensible Landscape of Glimpses into Oneself)

Brain: noun
1. an organ of soft nervous tissue contained in the skull of vertebrates, functioning as the coordinating center of sensation and intellectual and nervous activity.

This definition makes it all sound so simple and clear….but alas…….

It is all quite a quandary because in order to perceive or own consciousness we need to actually use our consciousness……which is sorta like the eye looking at the eye or a tooth biting itself. Due to this provision we cannot truly look at it objectively or perhaps even delve too deeply within it. Sir Arthur Ellington, a well regarded scientist of the last century, in the end just threw up his hands. He said ‘even the best we can say, even with simple things like perception, is that something unknown is doing…..we do not know what.’
I suppose this is what interests me in people like Buddha who said ‘if consciousness has to understand itself it has to be through subjectivity’. For me…. I understand this as an invitation to go inward, not outward, for information. That the path to understanding the world around me and my own inner workings (or ‘brain’) is through the unique and subjective map (perceptions and mind translations) of me. I can research brain functionality until the endlessly… but nothing truly gets below the surface quite like personal inquiry.

The ‘brain’ seems far from a definitive object. Yes, we can measure some things….. but vast areas and functions of the brain are still relatively unknown. For instance something as commonplace as our memory…. human recall is fairly hit or miss. Neuroscientific research tells us that our brains don’t use a fixed-address system, and our memories tend to overlap, combine, and disappear for reasons no one yet fully understands.
The one thing we do know is rather vague: Memories live in the hippocampus and the prefrontal cortex. After that, the entire question of how memory works is up for grabs. For example, where precisely in the hippocampus (or prefrontal cortex) is my memory of reading a particular book for the first time? If I try to summon that random memory, I am likely to wind up with a blur of a half dozen indistinct recollections and no brain-scan technology able to help me bring it into better focus.
Other things like the understanding of how dreams work or ‘out of body’ experiences fall into a similar category of great mystery. Not to mention it seems apparent that modern science can’t really even ‘explain’ your ‘average’, in-the-brain consciousness. They have been able to detail neuronal firings and synaptic transmissions designating many cognitive functions but there is no true explanation or measure for things like conscious awareness, free will or the essence of experienced perceptions (like the blue hue, texture and smell of the ocean). So what is this subjective occurrence of feelings, awareness, and phenomenal experience (our’inner life’) and do we consider it significant even though it is unable to be quantified and measured?

I recently learned that science has been able to measure brain electrical activity believed to correlate with consciousness (through monitors and tests/EEGs) and applied these tests to dying patients at or near the moment of death. The studies have shown distinct end-of-life brain activity occuring in brain tissue which is metabolically dead, receiving no blood or oxygen flow. These findings have been revelatory and there have been many subsequent explanations….. but no concrete answers. How or Why conscious activity of any sort is occurring in the nearly dead brain is a ‘mystery’ to us.

We have been studying the brain since the time of the ancients. 387 BC- Plato teaches in Athens that the brain is where our mental processes take place. However Aristotle (335 BC) suggests the heart is the center of thought and declares that the heart, not the brain, is where the action is. (In fact this ancient belief becomes so popular and well received that it spawns the saying “to memorize by heart”) And in our modern era there has been great momentum and ‘breakthroughs’ in brain research and understanding, especially in the last 15 years. But even as we quench our thirst for knowledge and answers….I am not sure that the realm of the brain (this Incomprehensible Landscape) will ever have ‘an answer’ but simply provide more questions. Similar to the universe and all the continuous discoveries…..I think the more we look the more territory and questions we discover…..and more will continuously unfold. This photo below brings this comparison closer to home for me:

Our brains and consciousness cannot be neatly packaged, summed up and fully explained. I know that we sometimes seem to prefer tidy answers and definitive descriptions in order to ‘understand’…… but I am offering that it is quite possible we will neither have a complete answer to how this incomprehensible landscape of the brain functions nor will it ever be a patent for how each person may perceive and operate.

My curiosity then leads me to wonder if perhaps things like ‘knowing’ and ‘reality’ are really quite subjective and each person looking within themselves, being reflective and curious is equally important to the most comprehensive scientific brain research. Why not get curious and explore our own awareness, perceptions, emotions and thoughts through this vehicle of the mind/consciousness? Truly, I believe we are our own best ‘researcher’ on so many levels.

Ultimately, even with our incredible ability to research, locate and beautifully explain some amount of particulars, the nature of the brain/consciousness seems ever adapting, subjective and (to some degree) elusive…..
……remember…..we are the ‘eye looking at the eye’.

Thanks for reading and sharing.
Jacq

being human

“Heady”

Today my friend called my writing ‘heady’ and I watched myself begin to feel a small sense of defeat. When she asked ‘why’….I realized that my intention for writing was to offer ideas and explorations in an accessible way and to share the possibility that questioning the nature of the ‘self’ can be a practice that is not unlike riding a bike. But often I have heard things like ‘heady’ to describe what I share and the definition of this term includes ‘demanding’. So somehow I felt defeated in that I imagined people don’t want to engage in things that are ‘demanding’ on this level. But she was able to share from her own experience that even within the challenging nature of the writing, she finds seeds and jewels that stay with her. These then become tools she has utilized in her every day life…… and I couldn’t imagine anything more accessible than that.
It’s true that in my writing and questioning I am proposing that each of us step outside of our cultural unconscious ‘indoctrination’….to bring awareness to the maps and veils (or any other metaphor) that cover us quite often without our even knowing. I am suggesting a practice that involves a peeling back of these forces simply to generate more awareness……a practice that is awareness for the sake of awareness without knowing for sure what affect it might propel. Like the shaping of rock from a river’s flow…..I believe the way we direct awareness has tangible yet indefinable reverberations in our life and world.
“Heady’ or not…….I’m game……
☺

being human

My tribe

There are many tools for navigating our human thoughts and emotions so that we can stay grounded, balanced and empowered on our life journey. I know many people have an idea that they are looking for something outside of themselves to assist them but I have found that (most) everything I need is right here inside of me.

There have been many different practices, therapies and events from which I have discovered the particular tools I utilize and how to improvise with them. One of my favorite and most helpful tools is the relationship I have with what I call my ‘Inner Tribe’. I have written about this before but I thought it might be helpful to write more about the way I work with my Inner Tribe. The particulars of how I have figured this out for myself have changed my life immensely and my relationship to it continues to evolve every day.

Often when I refer to my ‘parts’ it seems a bit confusing for people to understand the extent to which I work with this metaphoric tool but I have found such incredible insight and ability to fully love myself through my growing into it, that it seems significant to say more.

When I speak about my ‘parts’ I am basically referring to the abundance of dynamics, emotions, thoughts and ego nuances within myself that can include or influence such things as belief systems shaped in my youth, self-protecting mechanisms picked up through my life, any form of conditioning or consistent ‘inner voice’ that influences my behavior or emotions. I feel there is really no limit to the many overtones that comprise our personalities and inner landscape. Some of these are more obvious while others are often moving and shaking behind the scenes but influence us none the less. My curiosity is around the parts and inner dialogue that cause me to contract or feel small…..parts that get in the way of my loving and accepting myself fully and without judgement.

I first articulated this sense of Inner Tribe to myself about 10 years ago. The discovery came from noticing that when I would have any self deprecating thoughts there was typically a voice connected to them. This less than nourishing inner commentary or belief would be fairly consistent and there was no removing it by force or convincing it through rational mind. I finally realized these outspoken ‘parts’ that were creating limitations or depressions in me actually believed they had a valid reason for what they were saying and imposing. It was at this point I had the idea to ask them directly what they needed from ‘me’ and then actually listen to what they told me. (The radical piece of this was the ‘listening’ to them and truly caring.) Over many months I persisted in asking, being curious without judgement and being patient. They didn’t always say much or even acknowledge my question (and yes, there is a healthy amount of allowing for imagination, trust and intuition in this practice) but with patience I gradually found they would talk to me and tell me about how they were feeling and why. I would even make dates with them if they were feeling quiet and make sure to keep that date. I never stood them up for any reason…..especially if I was feeling better or perhaps they were no longer acting out. I did this because I recognized that the key here was in developing the relationship through trust and consistency not to mention the opportunity to talk with them during neutral & untriggered times when I would actually have more resource. I needed to show these parts I cared and didn’t just want to get rid of them and I needed to be able to learn and open in the process. I gradually came to understand that more than anything the majority of my parts simply wanted to be heard, most importantly, by me. When they began to trust I was actually available for them (and listening) they slowly began integrating with what I call the ‘wise woman’ me. They were no longer trying to get something and act out for their ‘needs’…..they felt more complete and could then include themselves in the ‘me’ that is wise and fully present in the NOW…..the me that feels no sense of lacking or limitations and is fully in the present moment. The Wise Woman is all of my Inner Tribe or parts working in unison without distress.

I want to keep clarifying that ‘parts’, ‘inner tribe’ and ‘me’ are all the same (along with any number of other metaphors or labels). These parts or inner tribe are comprised of my younger/adolescent feelings, the self depreciating thoughts, the emotions that take over in any moment that can disconnect me from my power or create a sense of inadequacy or ‘less than’. (It also includes all the vibrant and joyful aspects)…..it is everything I experience and the thoughts and emotions connected. In this writing I am specifically focusing on the relationship I have with the ones that have wreaked havoc or have had an unhealthy impact when they are left to their own devices.

Another way I can explain how I interact with this is through my relationship with my 8 yr old, Asa. Whenever he is having feelings or ‘acting out’ with sadness, anger, fear I meet him with unconditioned love. I think about how I listen to him when he shares and would never dream of blowing him off if I have made a date with him nor would I judge him for his feelings. I don’t criticize him or think less of him for his feelings and I am able to create boundaries with care and wisdom. When I realized this about my connection with him I began to imagine how I could show that same level of love, wisdom and compassion towards my Inner Tribe/parts/me. Knowing and loving him has taught me so much about loving all of my parts without conditions.

The cool thing about this practice is that it works in any situation for me. Let me offer a simple example……
Let’s say I am at a party talking with people and I notice that something in the conversation pushes a button (or two) in me because I start to observe my thoughts and/or behavior change. Perhaps I start to contract physically or the manner in which I am talking is now from imbalanced/younger parts or ones trying to prove something/or make someone else feel ‘less than’ (so they can feel ‘better’). When I notice this happening I send a general question to all my parts (all of me) and ask ‘who is talking right now’ try to see what is happening for them. (After all these years I am able to do this inner work while staying engaged at the party. I think this is due to the substantial amount of mutual trust with my parts so they speak more readily and share their perspectives.) The general reason quite often is that this part(s) feels inadequate in some way or ‘less than’. I don’t try to talk them out of their feeling but instead I acknowledge what they share without judgement, perhaps hold them or hold space for them and simply show up with unconditioned love.
I engage in this practice of dialogue to cultivate my relationship with this part(s) of me (the inner tribe) and so that the part can hopefully reach a point of integration with the whole and have less need to act out.

The main experience I want to convey here is more about the empowered and direct sense with which I address these thoughts/parts. I recognize these emotions or thought patterns as active parts (or members of a tribe) within me and engage them as I would a child with which I feel unconditional love and I am never trying to ‘get rid’ of them or ‘fix’ them. The honest challenge here for me is to simply Love them…..and continue to bring more love to each scenario where they act out or impose their needs or beliefs.

Another metaphor I use is called ‘driving the car’. When I notice something is ‘up’ for me or I am feeling agitated, sad or challenged in any way……I send out a general question to my Inner Tribe that basically asks ‘who is in the drivers seat right now’ because I know it isn’t my fully integrated Wise Woman. I recognize some other part has taken the wheel and is driving the car (aka: driving how I am feeling). I generally don’t get some detailed image of the part (it is sometimes a sense or a form but not clear identity or specifics) but I get the gist of their energy, why they wanted to drive/take control and I simply ask if I can ride shotgun. This approach started as a surprise to these parts as they had been used to a less welcoming acknowledgement in the past. But I typically get in the passenger seat without trying to take the keys or take over. I sometimes ask if I can turn the radio on, make small talk and generally hang out with them…..I just give them space all the while keeping everyone safe and a sense of boundaries for reckless driving. Eventually I let them know I enjoy driving and if they ever get tired I would be happy to take the wheel. Amazingly, these parts almost always hand over the keys and are happy for me to drive. And the important aspect of this is I don’t kick them to the curb and drive away as fast as I can…..I make sure they are with me riding shotgun now and we continue to hang out together. We get to bond and this bond is what nurtures the trust and mutual respect and compassion between us. Somewhere along the drive they integrate back with the Tribe and I have found they have less and less need to actually want to drive the car or act out. My sense is that they are getting their needs met, they are being heard and held and that is all they ever wanted in the first place so now they can simply relax and ‘evolve’ into the full ‘me’.

I realize a metaphor is only as helpful as it relates to the individual so I would encourage you to riff on these or feel creative with customizing new ones. As I said at the beginning of this writing….I believe most of what we need to learn and the tools for it are already within us. Sometimes it is a matter of finding the words and images that become bridges for this practice of the self.
The metaphors I have shared here have been amazing bridges and allies for teaching me there is no reason for not fully loving myself every moment of the day. And this has changed my life.
Truly, all of my parts are a blessing and challenge and the tribe is ever changing…..but like raising a child…… I fully commit to being there through it all.

being human

What is certainty?

Our relationship to uncertainty is not always straightforward. Each of us has different ways we cope and dance with it. And each of us probably defines it in different ways.
But it is something we live with every moment of our lives while employing many methods for distracting ourselves or creating a sense that we have somehow sidestepped it with all our knowledge, opinions and belief systems.

The challenge in writing about ‘uncertainty’ is in the nuance and subjective qualities inherent as well as the amazing range it involves. From the greater umbrella of the mystery of life and death to our very mundane human realm of diversity and differences…..we are consistently employing ‘certainties’ to make sense of our lives.

In this I am curious how any attachment to what we think we ‘know’ can perhaps become something that is depleting overall. Or how our certainty feeds judgement and a more narrow world for us all to live in……a world where we continuously support systems that seek to diminish some and elevate others. Whether locally or in larger social systems I am curious how are desire to avoid uncertainty can become oppressive in our individual lives and also the world around us.

When it comes to this journey of life, living and dying can we ever truly say ‘for sure’ about the nature of it all? I feel we create meaning around us and look to define and shape our world as a way of feeling more comfortable. The space of ‘not knowing’ is typically not one in which we as humans seem to find comfort. (and yes, I realize these are huge generalizations I am making)
My experiences and journey has led me to perceive all of life as uncertain…. and that as humans we seem to impose ‘answers’, interpretations and definitions to feel a sense of control, comfort and safety. In many ways our certainties define us and help us define the world…..they are the lens through which we read things. And these certainties can allow us to experience the world and life in a way that is more ‘manageable’. It lets us create a safe ‘container’ when we design definitions and draw lines around us. In a way it gives us something to lean or push up against as opposed to boundless space all around and perhaps a sense of falling. We are truly amazing and brilliant for creating ways of making sense in this vast universe.

In our everyday interactions, thoughts and choices we can find a very subtle interplay of our attachment to ‘certainty’ informing our opinions. I am particularly curious about our sense of certainty as it leads to judgement of oneself and others. Truthfully, I probably wouldn’t be asking any of these questions if I didn’t have little flags going up around the nature of our certainties and how they fuel so many of our judgements and systems of hierarchy…..how the simple desire to define and feel certain can fuel limiting perspectives that become divisive in ways that are not nourishing.
(And just to clarify the difference between judgement and opinion….for me, when your opinion seeks to make someone else wrong or ‘less than’ it has moved over into judgement.)

In our day to day lives we are confronted continuously with belief systems and choices. It can be as subtle as what someone should wear to a certain event or occasion to how one should raise a child. Again, having our opinions is beautiful but what happens when it shifts to a certainty of one method being ‘better than’ another or ‘right’? When does our attachment to what we ‘know’, what we feel certain about, shift into judgement and become a defeating system for our diverse community and planet?
How do we truly embrace one another in all our diversity if we are holding fast to our certainties without room for other views? What is it that compels us to let our certainties/belief systems see someone else as ‘lesser than’ or to create a hierarchical system of human worth?
That is the curiosity I have and ponder……never arriving at an answer but compassionately witnessing the conditionality of what it is to feel safe in this human world….all the choices we make, have learned and pass on to our youth around ‘acceptable’ ways for shaping how we ‘think’ and interact with each other.

For me it has been a joy and terror over the years to develop a comfort level with saying ‘I don’t know” and letting go of my attachments to knowing and certainty. I observe at intervals throughout my days the feeling of security and safety in believing I ‘know’ something. Whether it is the ‘best’ route to take between 2 points, politics, concepts of an ‘afterlife’ or a moral dilemma…… we find layers of our certainty wound up in our beliefs and opinions. There is a complex design at work within us and discovering which certainties we are attached to can perhaps teach us volumes about oneself and the world we live in. (And again, my focus is around where we feel ‘attached’ and inflexible to some degree.)

More and more I have moved into a place of finding my safety in not knowing. I have said before that I don’t believe life is about maintaining ‘comfort’ but riding the balance of ‘comfort’ and ‘discomfort’. There is an incredible wealth of freedom when I am not attached to being ‘right’,‘knowing’ or comfortable….. and I can then open up to any number of ‘answers’ or perspectives to emerge simultaneously.

I realize that opening to different ‘truths’ and ‘knowingness’ can create a place of discomfort (especially when it potentially touches on core belief systems). But what do you have to lose by simply practicing letting go….even for a short time…letting go of certainty and fast held beliefs or judgements? They are always there to reclaim. What makes us feel comfortable in our certainties, beliefs and attitudes? What makes us uncomfortable when we consider the space of simply not knowing, having no answer or multiple answers?

Try this……

During the course of your day see if you can notice/observe something about which you feel certain. This can be a perception of someone close to you, a political topic or a discussion involving a different point of view with someone else.
In observing your thought see if you can embrace the equal possibility that there are simultaneous other ‘truths’ or perspectives. See if you can generate a few other perspectives or embrace ones that others have offered. Then, see if you can also whole heartedly embrace a perception of ‘not knowing’. To allow yourself to not arrive at any answer or opinion for a few moments.
Now notice what thoughts come along with this exercise. Notice what pushes your comfort edge and where you feel more attached to ‘knowing’ and/or being ‘right’? Where do you feel any resistance?
If you feel no resistance or discomfort keep pushing the edge a bit with different topics/situations and see which ones actually challenge you and where you find attachments unwilling to loosen.
Also, observe how long you are able to rest in ‘not knowing’ before your mind wants to arrive again at an answer, attitude or ‘truth’.
(If you have a flair for imagination you can even question things like your favorite foods, music or activities as a practice of letting go. These are things that might seem strange or trivial since they are basic personal preferences but they allow us access into where we are attached to what defines us personally)

Can we find equal space to be curious rather than reaching for certainty and relying on definitions? Can we play with letting go of any sense of knowing or even opinion and dwell in a space of uncertainty for even brief periods?

Ultimately this is all about ‘practice’……the practice of the self……the practice of curiosity. The willingness to go into the laboratory of your own mind and discover through experimentation the power of your own thought processes (as well as collective processes). This is a practice that asks you to step outside the accepted framework of your thoughts, attachments and beliefs and engage questioning as a tool for learning…..and I would even say ’empowerment’ on many levels.

Our human world is complex, diverse and filled with so many beliefs and definitions. How do we navigate the fullness of this with grace? Can holding fast to certainties and defintions truly nourish us and the world around us in the long run?……or does it create a system that depletes ? And do we choose a feeling of ‘safety’ at any expense whether to the people around us or other groups in our society?

I support and admire each of our incredible uniqueness, personal expression and opinions. Along with this……how do we continue to grow and open? How do we allow ourselves to be a little uncomfortable as we equally support both new perspectives and a space of not knowing on this life journey ? How do we swim in uncertainty without feeling like we are drowning in it?
I don’t know……but I am learning……

being human

Palms open

What if we walked through our days with palms up and hands open? What if the heart was open, eager and ready even while hurting?  What if you agree to receive the joy and sorrow life is offering in each moment?  What if you said ‘yes’ to the complex ‘story’ of you that is unfolding each and every moment?
 
Or…….
What if you pick 10 things you believe to be true within your belief system.  Pick anything and just notice the list and how you feel about these ‘truths’.  The beauty of a list like this is that in a room of people or even a city of people you will most likely find that each person’s list is both unique and similar.  Some people might have the ‘same’ things, others could have the opposite while others would be amazed to learn something new from the perspective of your list.

Every day we are unfolding the stories of our lives…past, present and future.  And every day we have the power to bear witness to others and allow ourselves to be witnessed living these stories.  If we allow this exchange of witnessing and find the inherent connection of these human ‘lists’ we might find affirmations both in our sameness and our differences.  We affirm each others ‘being’ in this process which simultaneously affirms our own.
 
Those moments in life when we feel authentically seen or known we can sometimes have this potent sense of connection to everything and everyone (and ourselves!).  It is a silent breath that wakes us from head to toe without criticism.
 
What if we choose to discover and live our authentic self right now….right now with all our story unfolding without judgement.  What if you honor in yourself and others all the diverse qualities and feelings within each of us?  What if we offer all that we are as gifts without predjudice?

This life is always bouncing us point to point and we gather as we go.  We can take every experience, every morsel, to live each day diving into the unknown…this mystery of us.

And sharing our stories can crack open locks.  It can shine light on the threads that weave through us all and dare to celebrate what we have in common and the brilliance of our differences/uniqueness.  Our stories (which is every life moment strung together unedited) teach and inspire, challenge and puzzle, offer grief and joy, expand and give insight.  And they do this most exquisitely when we continue to offer and receive them within ourselves and others.

There is an alchemy to personal expression.  It is not enough to simply know the story of you…there is a potency in the act of accepting, sharing and being witnessed.  There is a mutual learning when we extend our hands and both offer the canvas of ourselves and receive that of another.  Yes, there is challenge and hurt but riding along side beauty and amazement.  Actively engage and be ready to catch it all in your vision and breath with acceptance.  Your story is one that is always changing and uniquely unfolding this you in the world.  And each version of you is in a dance with every other you in perfect equation….. A truth and mystery not to be judged or explained but to be honored without evaluation.