loving with disappointment

Recently, a good friend wrote to me about feeling hurt, angry and disappointed with her adult son. He has stopped being in touch, has missed birthdays, neglected to check in about health events and has not even given her the courtesy of letting her know when Christmas gifts arrived until finally emailing and at first joking they were damaged in the mail.
I feel and understand her hurt and I listen to all that comes up for her and the many emotions it stirs.
And along with listening I also offer perspectives and practice for this journey of relationship.

Relationships, whether they are family, friends, romantic or work, are intricate and complicated. They ask us to come into knowing ourselves more intimately than anything else.
I have arrived at a place in my life where I know I have expectations of people in my life. And the truth is that I want to have expectations of others and for them to have them of me.
The key here is the layers of knowledge for accompanying these expectations to prevent anger, hurt, frustration and the perpetual feeling of banging ones head against the wall.

First, comes the need for communication both with yourself and the other person. You need to be aware of your expectations and communicate them to yourself…..have a sense of their depth and what they mean to you. Then, you need to be able to communicate this to the other person, if not as a general practice, then certainly during the times where the nature of the expectation involved causes stress.
Second, you need to ask yourself if you would want to continue to have this person as part of your life if they cannot meet your expectation. You need to discover what the ‘line’ is for you. Ask yourself what you feel is essential in the relationship and for your overall health…..basically, what is a ‘deal breaker’. When you understand this in yourself you are more able to choose whether or not to participate in the relationship or how much to participate.
Third, if there is a not a ‘deal breaker’ involved then you to need practice gentle love and compassion for yourself and the other person. We cannot change the other person but we can shift our responses. This usually involves a widening of perspective and expansion of the heart. (Again, this is true when their isn’t a ‘deal breaker’ with your boundaries and needs. This is not about being self deprecating through imbalanced altruism.)
We get to practice not taking everything completely personally and realize that each of us is unique and complicated. We get to have our expectations AND if we ‘choose’ to have the relationship…. then we must also accept these expectations might not be ‘met’ and we might feel disappointed from time to time. That once we accept the nature of the ‘dance’ we have to let go of a sense of being ‘right’ and placing blame. (which we often like to do when we feel hurt or vulnerable.)

For myself, I figured out that I need to cultivate loving people ‘where they’re at’ while continuing to learn what my needs and boundaries are.
I need to stay clear in what I know about myself while loving them as they are….even if they never shift their behavior. (And that can be challenging.)
I also get to choose if I want to keep them an active part of my life and/or how much connection I might want.

People are complicated…
Hmmmmmmm……….
This example might help to illustrate……
If someone is bedridden can you honestly get mad at them for not taking a walk with you?

We all have certain ‘handicaps’……some are more obvious than others (whether they are physical, emotional or other).
If your immediate need is to walk with someone perhaps don’t choose to be with the friend who is unable to walk right now……
Honor your needs and honor their abilities….find where those meet.

And…..
Along the way we might need to release our emotions and let our frustration move through us before we can get there….great, then find out how to do it without pointing the finger at someone else. Know what you need to do to clear your path.
Let yourself hear all your feelings, listen to them, understand them and hold them lovingly…….
Then gently move into a widening circle of compassion as you find where you and the other person can genuinely meet……..perhaps with expectations that no longer create a setup for both of you feeling hurt, frustrated or shutting each other out.

Not always simple………. but insightful.
Why not nurture yourself and end any patterns that don’t serve you feeling fully enlivened?
🙂

equality

The act of putting someone (anyone) on a pedestal, elevating them above yourself or others, disregards the essence of ‘being love’. Anytime we do this we maintain the system of ‘greater than/lesser than’ in which there must be some who are above and others who are below. And how do we decide who is above and below in this social policy that is reminiscent of the caste system? Are we not continuously positioning ourselves on this scale through our actions, thoughts and perceptions? Do we not subscribe to it when we say something as benign as “I know I should just be happy because there are people worse off than me….” We comfort ourselves by reminding ourselves we are not at the bottom. We ‘mean well’ but it still feeds this system and allows it to continue.
But who does it serve?
The truth is we are all equal in essence and yet unique. We are all equal and also have our own challenges and our own strengths.
What would it take to behold your own radiance simply for breathing….no exceptions.

When you cultivate a space for authentically dwelling here….in the reality of your beingradiance whether or not you have moments of ‘falling short’ or rising up……you have found your own personal expression of ‘enlightenment’. A space without praise or criticism, judgement through comparison or greater than lesser than mentality. If you can embrace this space then all paths for honoring others as unique and equal are free from attachments, limiting stories or comparisons.
Who has defined enlightenment and doesn’t its potential and unfolding exist in each of us? Expanding and contracting from within……not a carrot dangling outside of us we are trying to grasp.

We have been taught from birth to be ‘better than’…… to compare, judge and certainly not believe that we are all equal.

I remember speaking with someone and sharing that I don’t believe that anyone is better than another and they had an example to offer. They said ‘what about a brain surgeon and an unemployed alcoholic that watches TV all day?’ My reply is still the same……it is not conditional. If we start making subjective exceptions I think it becomes a fast slippery slope as far as who gets to decide the ‘greaters’ and the ‘lessers’. And depending on the judges….each of us at one time or other might end up on a less favored ‘end’. We get to have our opinions and ideas but it all changes when we try to make our opinions right. Why would we be so attached to being ‘right’ when it comes to this?

I certainly don’t have all the answers and I don’t believe there are ‘answers’ for everything. But I believe we are all equal and yet different and it is from this place that I can love not only myself unconditionally…. but every single person. Sometimes it takes effort to remind myself but I arrive there none the less.

Try saying this statement out loud…….
‘everyone is truly equal, no one person is better than another’.
Sit with it and take it in……
How does it feel?
What thoughts and feelings arise?

All each of us can do is notice what arises. Notice what you are attached to as right and how you feel about it. Be a loving witness to this ever unfolding of you.

What is ‘self care’?

The topic of ‘self care’ seems to be coming up in conversations a lot lately and to some degree it can mean different things to different people. It can also be more or less affected by life situation and circumstances. But for so many people I speak with, the ‘basics’ such as sleep, nourishing food, non-‘doing’ time and water, take a back seat to hectic schedules….. and they acknowledge this. They reflect on their attempts at shifting it but the tone of their reflection tends to move towards a sense of ‘failure’ in the end or a temporary ‘victory’.

So, why is it that in our lives the first thing that seems to depart is basic ‘self care’?
And how is it that we have created a culture where this is so common and acceptable and in some arenas (such as jobs or academia) it is expected? Can you imagine if within job culture that ‘self care’ was viewed as a strength and encouraged?

Now, I understand that in certain circumstances like raising children there is a whole different set of needs and we make necessary sacrifices for our children. But I also understand that it takes a ‘village’ to raise a child and many of us have lost that ‘village’ sensibility. Our society has held on high the ‘merits’ of self sufficiency and privacy. We have become more independent and insular which can often bring on more stress due to lack of integrated support network. (When I say ‘integrated’ I am referring to a community of support that doesn’t just manifest in times of crisis but is ongoing.)
I also believe that self care and child raising can go together and that our cultural legacy has not offered us a strong models for this. (Sometimes we almost wear our exhaustion like a badge of honor or way to ‘show’ the world we are working hard and earning our merit)
And whether or not you have children are we not always taking care of all the growing aspects of ourselves even as ‘adults’? Is there not a growing, nurturing, learning and loving quality to each of our days as we navigate our lives and the many layers of who we are?
It also seems less common to see someone who grew up being taught or shown the unique personal importance of self care. So many children these days watch the adults around them rushing about, eating while on the run, driving while on the phone, ‘running late’, on their computers/smart phones all the time, distracted etc etc (to name a few). Where do we think young people learn self care? Where did you or I learn our knowledge of self care (and I am talking beyond brushing our teeth and basic hygiene)?
I am not criticizing these qualities of hecticity……some of these are a part of my life too. But……I think it is about balance…….we don’t need to choose all or nothing….we each need to discover and integrate balance.
If self care is such a reoccurring topic of conversation and point of reflection (or even the mirror for feeling bad about oneself based on comparison) than there must be something significant about it…yes? And if it is something so many people seem to desire and yet it is elusive perhaps there is something to discover.
So where to begin….?
For me it always begins with a question(s).
I suppose each person would need to start with honestly asking themselves what ‘self care’ means for them (because it is different for each of us although we will have common themes) and perhaps even ask why it is important.
And then perhaps gently ask without judgement, ‘what gets in my way of doing this care?’.

I believe so much begins from within……not from the outside in. You need to connect to your own ‘center’……that wise & grounded place in each of us. It is within this center that we can learn about what we need and what gets in our way. The key here is learning to listen and this takes some practice for many of us.

We also need to get out from within the pattern of viewing self care as this elusive quality that we have for a fleeting moment and then we ‘mess up’. This always seems like a set up for feeling bad about oneself. Perhaps know that it is already within you and you are simply allowing space for it to emerge. And any time you notice you weren’t able to allow it……gently question without judgement. Perhaps be curious and loving as a part of your self care. It might take time but it is truly there within you to cultivate.

(I don’t know about you, but I typically feel more willing to be vulnerable in situations that feel safe and nurturing as opposed to ones where it feels harsh and critical. In the latter I am going to protect myself and not open up. If you want to get to know the vulnerable and honest parts of yourself perhaps let go of the criticism and cultivate a compassionate and gentle approach. This is certainly not the model we have learned overall but why not try it?)

So, why not start right now and feel into what is self care for you.
Notice if you feel it is already integrated into your days.
Notice if you have any sense of lacking with it.
Notice what it means to you and the thoughts that tag along in this process.
Simply notice.
You will be your best guide in knowing what is true for you. Just open an environment in yourself for this ‘truth’ to emerge freely. Continue to cultivate unconditioned love for yourself…….believe that you are doing it with every breath you take.
Why not?

Thanks for reading and sharing.
jacq

Looking inward (first)

I find it curious why so many people look consistently outside themselves to ‘know’ themselves or to elicit change for themselves/in the world (looking outside themselves even for Love which is inherently ‘within’ each of us). If each person no matter their age, income or faith (including politicians and CEOs) were to look inward, observe and inquire…… how might things change? (And how might that look on the level of government and corporations? Perhaps it would dissolve the qualities of dishonesty and ‘power’ for profit.)
And if each person were to meet themselves in this self reflection/inquiry with loving-kindness, gentleness and compassion…….how would that utterly change the experience you have living in your own skin? (Not a warm and fuzzy concept alone…. but truly ‘living’ it)

Most things in our society begin with a person(s).  An idea, perpetuation, action, reaction and so on. Whether it is fashion, social mores, viewpoints, language, emotions, stories or Love…….the common denominator is people.  We each are ‘ripple points’ from which so much may emanate. And it is the same with this choice of looking inward and choosing a perception of loving kindness. When we choose to shift the accepted ‘norm’ of how we behave as humans, toward ourselves and others, we create a ripple point.

I know for me that when I engage these qualities within myself that I find it difficult to perpetuate unkind words, actions and thoughts. They simply dissolve as they no longer are fueled from a sense of ‘lacking’ within. When I find ‘peace’ within myself there is no need to judge by comparison or create a ‘greater than lesser than’ perspective (which underlies so much of our forms of criticism & judgement). And if I am not acting on this standard behavior I am creating a contradiction that ripples out and perhaps offers invitation or resonance for someone else to do the same.
(And I know it certainly ‘frees up’ so much of my energy since it is not tied up in chatter of beating myself or somebody else up…..or deciding where myself and others fall on the scale of ‘good/bad’, ‘right/wrong’, successful/unsuccessful’, ‘greater than/lesser than’ etc.)

This superficial barometer plays out in most avenues of our lives. It is woven into the very fabric of what we consider ‘normal’ existence. We compare ourselves (and others) to our neighbors, friends and media etc….. to decide where we fall on the scale of ‘success’. The scale of ‘greater than/lesser than’. We look to the outside to understand merit and value instead of from the inner sense of self. We tend to tune out our ‘intuition’ and override this with external source information that doesn’t always serve us. But what if we interrupted this process and let ourselves witness all of it from a place within us that is not ‘lacking’? A place that is not ‘small’ but infinite and loving…..a place that honestly knows nobody is ‘better’ than anyone else, just different.
We get to choose the behaviors we keep alive and pay forward to each generation that comes. In all my teaching and travels I have yet to meet someone who says they enjoy or find positive tools in this unique human quality of self deprecation, feeling bad about oneself, the system of judging that inevitably puts someone at the bottom so someone else can be toward the top, the lens of always looking outside yourself to know how to feel inside yourself…..etc.

How do you relate to any of this……?
Do you find any curiosity…….

Take a moment and see if you can touch this……2 minutes. Just sit and breathe and relax. Invite (slowly) the feeling or idea of there is nothing lacking within you and that nobody is actually ‘better than’ anyone else (yourself included). See if you can touch that calm truth for just a moment. Notice the ‘chatter’ and thoughts that come and what you touch upon. Just notice…..nothing else. Perhaps once a week (or once a day) revisit this little practice and see how it shifts…….and again simply notice what comes without judging it. No pressure….just curiosity.

Thanks for reading….
blessings
Jacqueline

Derech Eretz

Derech eretz is, in its broadest sense, acting with consideration and kindness to one’s fellow human beings, and in so doing, fulfilling the will of God. It is something observed in Orthodox Judaism and of course comes with varying interpretations.

A friend of mine recently wrote to me and spoke of dharma, friendship and derech….and reflected on their inherent presence in every footstep. And we both seemed to agree that although each of these may be ‘inherent’, awareness and attention are also needed in the recipe.
And then I happened upon reader reviews of a book about a person striving for ‘derech eretz’ in every day life and journaling about it for 1 year.
And so I ponder………

What is it to be ‘good’?  ( And for me the word ‘good’ has been the victim of unfortunate manipulation and laden with subjective perspective and judgement. For this reason I tend to not engage it and feel weary when people speak of ‘doing good’.)And when we ask how it is that each of us can go about treating others with respect, consideration and compassion…….what do these things mean to each of us? These are questions that cannot be answered by the Bible or any scriptures. The answers lie within each of us and in symphony with one another.

Would you only act with respect and compassion towards others if it is the will of ‘God’ ? Why wouldn’t you engage these qualities simply because they exist and you exist?

Perhaps the golden rule of ‘do unto others as one would wish be done unto oneself’ is a great guide or springboard. (In the Talmud it is written: “What is hateful to you do not do to your neighbor.) But is it not possible that with so much conditioning towards shades of abuse and self deprecation that even this has lost its ability to guide us intuitively?

And when we are able to navigate our awareness and authentic expression of compassion and kindness with self and other……how do we maintain keen clarity of motivations and the tempting concepts of ‘success and failure’ (ie: moral one-upmanship or evidence to feel poorly about oneself)?
How do we engage and enact these qualities (soul level qualities) even with our differences and incredible diversity? How do we meet as humans?

I personally feel we need to put all of our rich experiences and feelings of ‘God’ aside and ask ourselves in our own hearts what is kindness and compassion….what is ‘good-ness’? What is the world we want to dwell in?
If I take time to look at my own self and ask what gets in my way of being considerate, compassionate and respectful, both equally of others and myself, then perhaps I can find how engaging these exact qualities might guide me back to them.

Is it truly so difficult for each of us to reflect upon our own behaviors and conditioning so that we might unwind our tendency away from compassion and kindness?
I know the answers to these questions are not so simple as it is not simple to be human. It is quite intricate and mysterious at times.

Self reflection is an amazing gift and when done without a whiff of judgement or imbalance it can give in the most amazing and unexpected ways. (The emphasis here being on ‘done without a whiff of judgement or imbalance’ otherwise it becomes only a facade without true dimension )
Perhaps ask yourself to reflect throughout your day on your canopy of continuous emotions & thoughts and just be witness and NOT judge. See what you can learn about the different aspects of yourself and even ask yourself what these parts of you might need to come more and more into balance. More and more into synchronicity with compassion, kindness and equanimity.
Let go of judging others or writing stories about their motivation or intentions. We truly never need to diminish ourselves or others…..never. I find this to be a reaction that serves nothing but to feed a process that doesn’t support our being fully enlivened individuals. So why do it?
Well, probably because it is what we learned as children and what was modeled by generation upon generation. But we do get to shift it. We get to develop a new way of existing in our thoughts, feelings and actions.
All it takes is personal self reflection.  Breath.  This awareness is where compassion and kindness can grow if you simply plant the seeds.
And then, perhaps, these qualities come naturally and without effort.  Kindness and compassion are not separate from you….but inherent in every footstep and breath you take.

Our competitive nature (part 1)

competitive
1 having or displaying a strong desire to be more successful than others
2 as good as or better than others of a comparable nature

compete
1 strive to gain or win something by defeating or establishing superiority over others who are trying to do the same

I was in a yoga class today and the teacher reminded everyone to only go as deep in the pose as worked for our own body and not based on what others were doing…..to be ‘where we are’ with our own practice. This is a simple reminder and in many ways an obvious one…..but one we often bypass. I thought about the posture I was in and how even in small ways I am striving towards a ‘goal’. Pausing, I asked myself where that goal had come from……meaning was it from my own lived experience/ barometer or from an outside concept served up through comparison.

This all starts to get a little curious because the lines of ‘me’ and the lines of everything else are blurry at times. And in many ways that makes sense because we are in a constant relationship of reciprocal influence. As a society we have a continuous flow of shared ideas, styles, standards and beliefs. We are truly affected by everything that we ‘take in’ on conscious and unconscious levels and have been since our inception.
So, even something as benign as a yoga pose and how I relate to it is affected by so many external concepts of ‘good’ and ‘success’. (I know I have written before about the nature of thought, judgement and the relative nature of success…… and considering the prevalence of these things in our world and how they shape us, I will most likely continue to explore them.)

I often contemplate how I would relate to myself and the world if I was on a deserted island (extreme exercise but helps to show contrast). An island where the influences are radically different. If all I had to go on was my own personal experience, acquired knowledge and intuition. Where would ‘judgement’ be? What would ‘success’ look like? Time and time again my honest answer is it would be a much more gentle and much less critical way of living and ‘being’. A way that is much more based on the inner sensation than an outer comparison.
Now, I am a supporter of growth and striving that comes with moving towards a goal. What a beautiful thing we as humans can envision and ‘achieve’. But it seems with that comes the shadow side of our competitive nature with ourselves and others. And along with that comes the inevitable judgements and fueled sense of opposition.
How can we on a daily basis be curious about our own conditioned patterns of comparison, judgement, criticism and concepts of success? Whether it is in a yoga class, cooking a meal for someone, in our ‘art’ work, in our relationships or even how we spend our ‘free’ time….how do we take responsibility for ourselves? I think it asks us to develop our sense of personal awareness and notice the moments these thoughts or beliefs are influencing our actions and how we feel about ourselves and others. And in those moments of awareness we can pause and perhaps choose something that is less based on competition and more on what truly serves us.

It is absolutely possible to unwind the conditioning. Like anything it takes practice. And once you begin to unwind it you start to see how much of a ‘hold’ it has had on you and how much energy it takes from each of us. Why not try something different from the way we have learned and that which seems to create so much feeling of ‘less than’ or lacking…..so much competition that doesn’t serve us.
Check out part 2 for a simple exercise.
Thanks for reading……

simple exercise (part 2)

Here is a simple ‘meditation’ exercise that might help with the practice of
~awareness
~pause
~choice

-Set aside 5 minutes.
-Sit somewhere you are comfortable and without too many external distractions.
-Set a timer if you can so you aren’t thinking about how much time has gone by.
-Now just sit.

Set an intention to let go and not get attached to any thoughts that come to mind.
Thoughts will come for sure…..(it isn’t a competition to have the least amount of thoughts as possible.) The practice here is to stay committed to letting go of the thoughts that will likely come to you. To notice them as soon as you can and in that moment ‘let them go’. For that entire 5 minutes all you do is notice when you start thinking about something and when you do…..try to ’empty’ out. No matter how important the thought might seem or how entertaining it may be…..walk away from it.
A good technique is to let your breath fill your focus. Each inhale and exhale you bring your concentration fully to this simple act. After using the breath for some time, if you feel a sense of stillness, see if you can let go of following the breath and simply ‘be’ quiet. When a thought comes (as it will), perhaps return to the breath or let go of the thought and return to stillness.

See if you can have a soft and gentle heart/mind with this practice. No judgement about the fact that you aren’t ‘doing’ or ‘achieving’. No criticism on the amount of thoughts you have or awkward mental discomfort that may arise. No praise for doing it ‘right’ since you actually can’t do it wrong or right.

Here is a great visualization a teacher shared with me that helped me develop my practice.
Imagine that you are sitting underwater at the bottom of a peaceful river. Up above there are boats traveling down the river. These boats represent our thoughts…..a constant stream. Sometimes I find that I have risen up and jumped on a boat/thought and am half way down the river. Instead of getting mad or judgemental, I simply notice I have gotten attached to a thought and floated away on it. Then I choose to get off the boat/thought and I slip over the side and back into the quiet waters. The process of floating down down down helps me drop back into myself…..down down down. And then I come to resting again quietly below. There are times I would already be on another boat before I even reached the bottom. I would lovingly choose to get off once again starting the process of slipping over board into the quiet waters and sinking below.
You can play with this metaphor and any other metaphor that might work for you. As with any practice it is about what works for you and not about doing what everyone else is doing. Use any exercise as a springboard into yourself and your own needs.
Remember meditation can be enjoyable and fun. It doesn’t need to feel austere or punishing.
Just see what you find and how you discover it for yourself.