Derech Eretz

Derech eretz is, in its broadest sense, acting with consideration and kindness to one’s fellow human beings, and in so doing, fulfilling the will of God. It is something observed in Orthodox Judaism and of course comes with varying interpretations.

A friend of mine recently wrote to me and spoke of dharma, friendship and derech….and reflected on their inherent presence in every footstep. And we both seemed to agree that although each of these may be ‘inherent’, awareness and attention are also needed in the recipe.
And then I happened upon reader reviews of a book about a person striving for ‘derech eretz’ in every day life and journaling about it for 1 year.
And so I ponder………

What is it to be ‘good’?  ( And for me the word ‘good’ has been the victim of unfortunate manipulation and laden with subjective perspective and judgement. For this reason I tend to not engage it and feel weary when people speak of ‘doing good’.)And when we ask how it is that each of us can go about treating others with respect, consideration and compassion…….what do these things mean to each of us? These are questions that cannot be answered by the Bible or any scriptures. The answers lie within each of us and in symphony with one another.

Would you only act with respect and compassion towards others if it is the will of ‘God’ ? Why wouldn’t you engage these qualities simply because they exist and you exist?

Perhaps the golden rule of ‘do unto others as one would wish be done unto oneself’ is a great guide or springboard. (In the Talmud it is written: “What is hateful to you do not do to your neighbor.) But is it not possible that with so much conditioning towards shades of abuse and self deprecation that even this has lost its ability to guide us intuitively?

And when we are able to navigate our awareness and authentic expression of compassion and kindness with self and other……how do we maintain keen clarity of motivations and the tempting concepts of ‘success and failure’ (ie: moral one-upmanship or evidence to feel poorly about oneself)?
How do we engage and enact these qualities (soul level qualities) even with our differences and incredible diversity? How do we meet as humans?

I personally feel we need to put all of our rich experiences and feelings of ‘God’ aside and ask ourselves in our own hearts what is kindness and compassion….what is ‘good-ness’? What is the world we want to dwell in?
If I take time to look at my own self and ask what gets in my way of being considerate, compassionate and respectful, both equally of others and myself, then perhaps I can find how engaging these exact qualities might guide me back to them.

Is it truly so difficult for each of us to reflect upon our own behaviors and conditioning so that we might unwind our tendency away from compassion and kindness?
I know the answers to these questions are not so simple as it is not simple to be human. It is quite intricate and mysterious at times.

Self reflection is an amazing gift and when done without a whiff of judgement or imbalance it can give in the most amazing and unexpected ways. (The emphasis here being on ‘done without a whiff of judgement or imbalance’ otherwise it becomes only a facade without true dimension )
Perhaps ask yourself to reflect throughout your day on your canopy of continuous emotions & thoughts and just be witness and NOT judge. See what you can learn about the different aspects of yourself and even ask yourself what these parts of you might need to come more and more into balance. More and more into synchronicity with compassion, kindness and equanimity.
Let go of judging others or writing stories about their motivation or intentions. We truly never need to diminish ourselves or others…..never. I find this to be a reaction that serves nothing but to feed a process that doesn’t support our being fully enlivened individuals. So why do it?
Well, probably because it is what we learned as children and what was modeled by generation upon generation. But we do get to shift it. We get to develop a new way of existing in our thoughts, feelings and actions.
All it takes is personal self reflection.  Breath.  This awareness is where compassion and kindness can grow if you simply plant the seeds.
And then, perhaps, these qualities come naturally and without effort.  Kindness and compassion are not separate from you….but inherent in every footstep and breath you take.

Our competitive nature (part 1)

competitive
1 having or displaying a strong desire to be more successful than others
2 as good as or better than others of a comparable nature

compete
1 strive to gain or win something by defeating or establishing superiority over others who are trying to do the same

I was in a yoga class today and the teacher reminded everyone to only go as deep in the pose as worked for our own body and not based on what others were doing…..to be ‘where we are’ with our own practice. This is a simple reminder and in many ways an obvious one…..but one we often bypass. I thought about the posture I was in and how even in small ways I am striving towards a ‘goal’. Pausing, I asked myself where that goal had come from……meaning was it from my own lived experience/ barometer or from an outside concept served up through comparison.

This all starts to get a little curious because the lines of ‘me’ and the lines of everything else are blurry at times. And in many ways that makes sense because we are in a constant relationship of reciprocal influence. As a society we have a continuous flow of shared ideas, styles, standards and beliefs. We are truly affected by everything that we ‘take in’ on conscious and unconscious levels and have been since our inception.
So, even something as benign as a yoga pose and how I relate to it is affected by so many external concepts of ‘good’ and ‘success’. (I know I have written before about the nature of thought, judgement and the relative nature of success…… and considering the prevalence of these things in our world and how they shape us, I will most likely continue to explore them.)

I often contemplate how I would relate to myself and the world if I was on a deserted island (extreme exercise but helps to show contrast). An island where the influences are radically different. If all I had to go on was my own personal experience, acquired knowledge and intuition. Where would ‘judgement’ be? What would ‘success’ look like? Time and time again my honest answer is it would be a much more gentle and much less critical way of living and ‘being’. A way that is much more based on the inner sensation than an outer comparison.
Now, I am a supporter of growth and striving that comes with moving towards a goal. What a beautiful thing we as humans can envision and ‘achieve’. But it seems with that comes the shadow side of our competitive nature with ourselves and others. And along with that comes the inevitable judgements and fueled sense of opposition.
How can we on a daily basis be curious about our own conditioned patterns of comparison, judgement, criticism and concepts of success? Whether it is in a yoga class, cooking a meal for someone, in our ‘art’ work, in our relationships or even how we spend our ‘free’ time….how do we take responsibility for ourselves? I think it asks us to develop our sense of personal awareness and notice the moments these thoughts or beliefs are influencing our actions and how we feel about ourselves and others. And in those moments of awareness we can pause and perhaps choose something that is less based on competition and more on what truly serves us.

It is absolutely possible to unwind the conditioning. Like anything it takes practice. And once you begin to unwind it you start to see how much of a ‘hold’ it has had on you and how much energy it takes from each of us. Why not try something different from the way we have learned and that which seems to create so much feeling of ‘less than’ or lacking…..so much competition that doesn’t serve us.
Check out part 2 for a simple exercise.
Thanks for reading……

simple exercise (part 2)

Here is a simple ‘meditation’ exercise that might help with the practice of
~awareness
~pause
~choice

-Set aside 5 minutes.
-Sit somewhere you are comfortable and without too many external distractions.
-Set a timer if you can so you aren’t thinking about how much time has gone by.
-Now just sit.

Set an intention to let go and not get attached to any thoughts that come to mind.
Thoughts will come for sure…..(it isn’t a competition to have the least amount of thoughts as possible.) The practice here is to stay committed to letting go of the thoughts that will likely come to you. To notice them as soon as you can and in that moment ‘let them go’. For that entire 5 minutes all you do is notice when you start thinking about something and when you do…..try to ’empty’ out. No matter how important the thought might seem or how entertaining it may be…..walk away from it.
A good technique is to let your breath fill your focus. Each inhale and exhale you bring your concentration fully to this simple act. After using the breath for some time, if you feel a sense of stillness, see if you can let go of following the breath and simply ‘be’ quiet. When a thought comes (as it will), perhaps return to the breath or let go of the thought and return to stillness.

See if you can have a soft and gentle heart/mind with this practice. No judgement about the fact that you aren’t ‘doing’ or ‘achieving’. No criticism on the amount of thoughts you have or awkward mental discomfort that may arise. No praise for doing it ‘right’ since you actually can’t do it wrong or right.

Here is a great visualization a teacher shared with me that helped me develop my practice.
Imagine that you are sitting underwater at the bottom of a peaceful river. Up above there are boats traveling down the river. These boats represent our thoughts…..a constant stream. Sometimes I find that I have risen up and jumped on a boat/thought and am half way down the river. Instead of getting mad or judgemental, I simply notice I have gotten attached to a thought and floated away on it. Then I choose to get off the boat/thought and I slip over the side and back into the quiet waters. The process of floating down down down helps me drop back into myself…..down down down. And then I come to resting again quietly below. There are times I would already be on another boat before I even reached the bottom. I would lovingly choose to get off once again starting the process of slipping over board into the quiet waters and sinking below.
You can play with this metaphor and any other metaphor that might work for you. As with any practice it is about what works for you and not about doing what everyone else is doing. Use any exercise as a springboard into yourself and your own needs.
Remember meditation can be enjoyable and fun. It doesn’t need to feel austere or punishing.
Just see what you find and how you discover it for yourself.