being human

How is it that…..

I constantly come back to this same curiosity…..

”Why wouldn’t we love ourselves every moment of the day?”

Why not love authentically and unconditionally and how could this question ever get old or redundant?
When we love ourselves and live this inner experience of unconditioned Love it seems that what follows is that this love generates more love and ripples out to other people and situations.

It is quite simple and yet so complex. It becomes even more complicated when it seems we get confused about what is truly unconditioned Love. I have experienced people describing the ‘unconditioned Love’ they are enacting and yet there are so many subtle cues that perhaps it is not quite without conditions.
My way of cross checking myself is noticing if there is any ‘but’ or caveat attached to the love. For me, any ‘condition’ even remotely attached means there is still some refinement left for me to do. 
I generally then ask myself what the ‘but’ or condition means to me.
I also ask what possible reason I might have for not loving myself or another person without judgement?

Why isn’t the status quo more about meeting each person without judgement and reducing the habit of creating lesser than/greater than comparisons between us? Why do we write so many ‘stories’ that seek to limit people?
(When I say ‘stories’ I am talking about what we mentally ‘write’ about ourselves or others that somehow defines us or them. These definitions can then come to limit or ‘box-in’ ourselves or the other person. At times these stories can also incorporate a sense of us or them being ‘better’ than the other. What would happen if we saw everyone beyond the limitations of story? Can we do that?)

There are many factors for how we have gotten so entrenched in judgement, comparisons and a lack of self love….so many ways we have been conditioned to think these are healthy and normal human behavior.
In this mix is our general relationship with words and concepts.
Language can get fairly sticky when it comes to our ideas and stories about ourselves, others and the world.

A perfect word example would be the topic of this initial question: ‘Love’.
You could ask 100 people what it means and probably get 100 different answers or emotional responses. 
Try sitting with the concept of ‘Love’ for a few minutes and see all the different ideas, definitions and feelings that come to you. 
Now imagine that it is different for every person you might encounter in 1 day. And than multiply this times the diversity of each culture around the planet.
Where and how do we all meet on this fundamental word and concept? How can we use such a diverse and individualized expression in sweeping generalized ways?

We can apply this same exploration to other potent words/concepts:

Happiness
- Success
- Good
- Purpose

These and so many more are subject to the influences of the past and societal standards towards what is perceived as ‘normal’ and desirable.  Each has a ‘should’ attached to it in relation to our lives. And each one wields a heavy effect on our personalities, perceptions and the world we create.

How is it that we haven’t figured out that ‘normal’ is an illusion we buy into? How is it we are so readily accepting of criticism, judgement and competitive systems of coexistence as the standard?
When did this become the ‘norm’….and did it happen all at once or as a slow and quiet movement……

 

being human

Self Care redux

Self care……
A topic revisited…..

This is something that means very different things to different people and manifests differently just as much.
I have heard friends speak about wanting to put more attention towards this and yet it becomes elusive for them. It’s clear that the desire for ‘self care’ tools is strong so why does it seem to evade us?

As I ask these questions I look within myself for as many perspectives as possible in the complexity of being human. I untether my fixed thinking and allow myself to get a broader view from many angles.

Each of us has our own individualized range of personal (and conditioned) perspectives. They can be simultaneously our blessing and challenge. Our unique conditioning is what allows each of us to discover our own particular insights and teachings in the world.
This discovery comes from personal reflection, questioning and being curious about one self.
What works for one person may or may not work for all. We can certainly be inspired by what others discover but I believe it is ultimately a personal journey of the individual to reflect and ask questions. It is amazing to be motivated by things and people outside of us but to remember that the spark of this inspiration is coming from within us. We could not see, feel or realize any of it if it weren’t first inside of us.

I mention this because I feel that many people detach from their insights of personal growth, giving it away to something/someone outside of them. It seems easier to assign wisdom to anything other than our selves. This balance is critical to me on the path of self-care.

In many ways, personal reflection and awareness can sound so simple in print but can be a bit more complicated to embody and integrate. It asks us to touch upon and inquire in areas that are not necessarily our ‘comfort’ zone. It can immerse you in vulnerability and places of uncertainty.
I believe a key companion to accompany personal reflection/awareness is an abundant dose of authentic compassion or non-judgment. It’s not confusing to me why many of our vulnerable or uncertain parts might not want to reveal themselves if they think they’re going to be beat up, invalidated or criticized.
We need to be able to witness and hold ourselves with deep respect, reverence and love for all that we are…..every part of us…..right now…..not some ideal in the future. Right now, this breath, with all the blessings and challenges that are part of us.

Perhaps now I might re-focus towards the practical.
It’s all fine and good to talk about loving oneself but sometimes all the talk keeps it a bit intangible. I think when it comes to the details of self care we all find those foggy places and are not quite sure what the next step might be. More often than not we can be inspired by something we heard or read….. but without practical tools it remains this lofty goal or a cozy notion for ‘some day in the future when I am an evolved person’.
My sense is that we are that evolved person right now and much of what we need is within us this very moment. Like riding a bike….we have the tools we need but we have to practice and get the feel for it.
As I have said before, I think what ends up serving the individual on their journey of self-care (aka: self love) will be ongoing and uniquely their own creation. Each of us has our own learning curves, our triggers and different needs. Discovering more about all of them can help you create tools for shifting your old patterns….in particular, patterns that limit your capacity for self-care. Only you can do this level of personal questioning and discovery.

I thought I might share a few tools that work for me and perhaps you might get sparked or inspired to improvise with them and create for yourself…….

-I ask questions…….

For self-care I ask myself if a situation, person or pattern nourishes me. Then, I listen with a soft heart of non-judgment.
The listening is equally as important as the asking in this.

I also speak to myself as a ‘tribe (see my other post about ‘inner tribe’), acknowledging that I have different aspects of myself that show up with varied opinions and needs at different times.

I compassionately listen to the diverse voices that sometimes emerge and simply honor and respect them …without judgment. (You might be surprised what you can learn when you listen without pre-conceived ideas of ‘right and wrong’)

The more I learn about the needs of these different parts I slowly gain insight about my personal behaviors and habits.

As we get to know ourselves more……we realize that one size does not always fit all. Through our self-awareness that comes from questioning, trial and error…… we can understand why some tools work for us while others don’t. We can let go of comparisons and make choices based on personal wisdom and our own unique needs.

Bottom line:
I question, listen without judgment and allow myself to gain insight into how I personally function so I can create effective new tools and technique based on this insight.

-I make lists and observe

Instead of trying to figure it all out ……I simply make a list of objective observations.
This might look like:
~Tightening in chest
~Rapid fire thoughts
~Sense of overwhelm
~Need to distract
~Swelling of anger
~Feeling of insecurity

Nine times out of ten there are all sorts of indicators or re-occurring behaviors that accompany periods of lacking self-care. Many of these are entrenched or learned and have yet to be interrupted.

I simply make the list and leave it until later.
Then when I am not immersed in the feelings/sensations I can connect to things on the list with curiosity.
This will then lead me back to asking simple questions and listening to what follows.

This simple act of listing helps me observe objectively. From there insights can emerge.

It is only through the guide of personal awareness that I am able to unwind the habits that deplete me. Lists teach me to be an engaged observer who is my own best ally.

-When steeped in emotions….
Try to notice the emotion and pause….create a little space.
Remind yourself that what you are feeling is just a moment in time and let it keep moving. Try not to let it get stuck or frozen. Every moment is completely fresh and new. Try thinking of each moment as un-fabricated. Next, look at the ‘entanglement’ and say to yourself ‘there is nothing wrong here’….and notice how that feels….observe whatever thoughts or feelings that follow.
Relax your grip on the moment…..relax the storyline and allow yourself to breathe back into open space inside. Open space without storyline can sometimes be threatening to the habitual pattern so it’s not always simple to manifest. There are many attachments to the image of ‘me’ …….looking and being a ‘right’ way and retreating into this familiar version of self can feel more secure than the wide open space. Space is threatening because there is nothing to hold onto or attach to there.

Play with these….and play with your own imagination and perceptions.
(I sometimes think we underestimate the role of imagination in our own self-discovery. It is a powerful ally when we let it be.)
Perhaps something in these tools might assist you on your discovery of learning yourself….wide-open.

……loving oneself without conditions and judgment IS self-care…..

Thanks for visiting!

philosophy

Comfort

I am contemplating ‘comfort’ and pondering the many ways it may or may not influence our choices and behaviors.

How does each of us create and move towards or away from comfort in our lives? What role, if any, does predictability/the familiar play in this? To what lengths will we go to maintain and sustain our ideas of comfort?

That last question in particular really feels significant to me. I find myself so curious about what comfort means to us and the affect each of our own personal choices for comfort has on one another and the world…..the simultaneous blessing and challenge of it.

Comfort and creating patterns of predictability in our lives can be a way to create security perhaps especially in times when we feel a lack of it. This can take many shapes but some of the more obvious ways we design it is through the work we choose, the friends we keep, choices we sustain or emotional reactions and scenarios we play out. (We can also see within groups of people and communities how they seek to maintain the familiar and levels of comfort…..sometimes at the expense of others)

I think we have developed many different ways of how we relate to and design comfort for ourselves and it is truly a vast and nuanced realm. I feel our human condition strives for comfort and quite often we have found and maintained through more easily accessible and perhaps culturally conditioned patterns. We choose the familiar on many levels even when it might not nourish us on the whole. Along with this, I also believe our concepts of comfort are deeply informed by societal ‘norms’ and status quo in ways that are both obvious and imperceptible.
In what ways do you maintain your own level of comfort? Can you notice any ways that your ideas are shaped by society and social environment?

Comfort and the familiar somehow allow us to feel safe and offer stability (think of the phrase ‘going outside your comfort zone”). The flipside of this I find interesting…..it is the place of feeling discomfort or insecurity and it is not a place we like to linger. We generally find ways to move away from these experiences, sometimes by extreme measures and many times by maintaining patterns of familiar and predictable behaviors. Again, even when they might not nourish the whole.
(And sincerely I am always amazed at how resourceful and brilliant we each are in our ability to create a sense of safety and ‘survival’ through different techniques both conscious and unconscious.)
Generally speaking, I don’t see people consciously seeking out and moving eagerly towards ideas, emotions or places that might bring their world into question or put them in a place of discomfort. This makes sense as I think there can be a certain amount of fear that accompanies change. We like to rest assured that some things are ‘matter of fact’ and cannot be questioned. We count on these things as our foundation to build upon since we believe our foundation needs to be unshakeable. We learn that change, permeability and sometimes not having any answers are not typically desirable qualities of basic human security and comfort. These things are not synonymous with comfort.

But life and being human is truly filled with mystery and discomfort ……by nature they are inseparable. And to be honest I think we have given ‘discomfort’ a bad reputation, perhaps overlooking the potential within it if we can meet it with curiosity and openness.

We will all have times in our lives where we find ourselves in uncomfortable circumstances of upheaval or change without knowingly inviting any of it. Sometimes these are small blips on the radar and we can push through by holding steadfast to our patterns…..but other times they really wallop us and cast us into deep waters. During these more oceanic events, each of us will have our own unique experience. But the journey will likely include variations of trying to stay above water, finding familiar shores and returning to our pre-existing ideas of comfort.

Have you ever experienced something like this? Can you relate this to different times in your own life? How did you meet these events and where did the journey take you?

I know what it was like for myself during the most potent time of upheaval in my life many years ago. I felt like I was drowning and I would have grabbed at anything to stay above water and hold on to my designed concepts of safety and comfort……ideas of ‘me’ and life. But circumstances (and my unconscious self) conspired to challenge me on every level. I fought hard for my constructed ideals and at a certain point I realized I needed to try something radical. I had to surrender to the unknown. I had to stop clinging and allow something truly new to emerge. At first I was afraid of drowning….but the surrender that came gave permission to let the waters transform me and to make ‘peace’ with the unknown. The darkness of this unknown felt like ‘death’ but sometimes that darkness or what might feel like a ‘death’ is simply some part of us changing or evolving…..shifting.
(And just to be honest……while I was in this process it was unbelievably uncomfortable and not easy by any means. But through practice and time it has gotten easier to be with discomfort and the inevitability of accepting the unfamiliar.)

Those shifts are not always comfortable and quite often we are eager to get out of this sensation and jump to the next landmass or stable concept of self and life. We very quickly construct a new familiar and fill it with answers more often than questions. We sidestep the ‘void’ or mystery in our intricate map of creating ‘safety’ and avoiding vulnerability.

I know that if my circumstances hadn’t been a ‘perfect storm’ I would have gladly sidestepped and played it ‘safe’……probably not even gotten my toes wet. I would have totally chosen ‘comfort’ and the familiar……
………and I would be living a perfectly lovely life right now……just a different one. But there was no choosing at the time as I was thrown into the middle of an ocean with no land in sight. So here I am now and what unfolded for me was a new relationship to mystery and the unknown…..a personal landscape of questioning and being present with both elements of comfort and discomfort equally.

Which is what brings me to wonder……what would happen if each of us chose not to avoid discomfort or feelings of insecurity? What would happen if we chose to move towards our fear and simply be with our discomfort and the unknown? What if we moved towards vulnerability?

Well, it would simply be a different way of living our lives……not better or worse….. but different.

In many ways it is easier to continue with what you already know……to create and maintain comfort and a sense of security through holding on to what is familiar. We are quite skilled at distracting ourselves just enough to avoid addressing things that question the familiar and perhaps invite discomfort, insecurity or vulnerability

The interesting thing in taking this route is that we cannot deny the ever-changing nature of the world around us and the evolving nature of the self. When we try to maintain and stay attached, not allowing space for change, this resistance can create a tension that ironically generates more discomfort even though we were trying to avoid it.

So I have become curious as to how we might create core comfort……the comfort of being You in the world (and in your own skin), a relationship to the unknown and having a sense of fundamental security within yourself. This is a comfort and security that is not based on anything tangible since we know that all things change and are permeable. This different form of ‘comfort’ might actually allow us to simultaneously be with discomfort and the unfamiliar as we realize they too have something to offer us.

Questions and curiosities…..
In what ways do you notice you might avoid discomfort?
What would be some practical ways to move towards discomfort or invite change or the unfamiliar as a path of nourishing yourself?

Perhaps a place to start is to gently take a look at some of the ways we create comfort and security in our daily lives as a means for avoiding change and vulnerability. Can you meet these with curiosity and non-judgment?

Whatever the circumstance or unique quality of you, how does this self -awareness and un-conditioned love offer even more possibilities in this amazing journey of the self?

Thanks for connecting…..
blessings,
Jacqueline

being human

Is self awareness ‘essential’?

Human beings are endowed with this amazing ability of self awareness, reflection and consciousness.

Through this trait we can endlessly engage in questioning our own existence, that of a ‘higher power’ and the ‘purpose’ of life (all the while perhaps going further down the rabbit hole). But through this ability of self awareness we can also learn so much about ourselves and affect incredible shifts in certain patterns that diminish or limit us in everyday life. We can grow our ability to understand other points of view, engage in authentic communication and allow our awareness to bring us more gently into balance with ourselves, others and the world.

Through the engagement of awareness I feel anything is possible as we take off our ‘blinders’ and see more possibilities for how we choose to think, feel and live.

How incredible to have the ability to grow (and possibly change) each day by directing this ability of awareness.

And yet why does it feel that we forget or even choose to not engage it throughout much of our days and lives?

It seems that we have developed the idea that having this level of awareness is complicated or too much effort. Or perhaps we never learned that it is actually already ours and living within us……a tool simply waiting to be engaged or recognized. Perhaps that is why so many of us seek out teachers and books to learn how to ‘get it’ or ‘find it’. It doesn’t appear that our status quo is about empowering the individual to look within themselves. And this is not a commentary against teachers or seeking insight. I truly believe that each of us needs guidance and support throughout our lives and teachers, books, a stranger on the bus or our community can offer this at different times. What I find challenging is the perspective that you are looking for something ‘outside’ of yourself. This is different from someone or something helping you find and nurture that which is already within you.

(And sometimes, with teachers in particular, we put them up on pedestals and elevate them. Doing this keeps them on a different level and can perpetuate this feeling of personal lacking.)

I see so many ways in which we are generally taught (or have learned) from birth that most of what we seek is ‘outside’ of us instead of within us. It’s almost like reaching into the dark looking for your glasses while all the while they rest upon your nose. Self awareness (along with so many of our skills) offers each of us a unique resource right there within ourselves.  Why is the first place we look every day not within?

I rarely think you will ever find your ‘glasses’ out there but rather deep within yourself and the nature of being human……our capacity to cultivate awareness, engage thought, create choice and adopt change. All of these lie within each of us (along with our ability for love and compassion). Yes, it looks different for each of us but it is generally there within us all……at times ‘hidden’ but not necessarily more than a seed beneath the soil.

We tend to look and feel past this abundant garden of potential seeds within us and head straight to the grocery store where food waits ready and packaged to buy.

Again, none of this is to say you should be an ‘island’ in and of yourself without outside inspiration, guidance or tools……just not at the exception of finding and sourcing it from within.

Hmmmmmm, let’s try a few things……..

First let’s just imagine ourselves as these resourceful individuals that are not lacking. Believe for a moment that most everything you need is within you and that you can nurture and cultivate it through a daily practice using this amazing tool of self awareness as your guide. (Discover what works for you in imagining this and whether it is through visualization, verbalizing, breath…….one is not better than another so simply be creative in discovering what path can get you there.)

Notice how it feels when you can breathe into that and let it rest as being ‘true’ for even a moment. Notice the challenges that may arise as you offer this vision. Just notice from an open and non-judging perspective.
Little by little each day see what happens if you take time to do this.

Now, as you continue to do this and expand this sensation of personal resource……begin to also develop as a compassionate witness to the ever unfolding network of your thoughts, emotions and physical impulses. Use your awareness to be curious about your choices and behaviors throughout the day and in certain situations.
No matter how benign or habitual just notice and gently inquire ‘why?’. An innocent question that can elicit incredible responses when we use our awareness to help us listen.

If you can start there and are able to stay with this awareness…..it slowly begins to widen. Like a window, it opens a little more each day you engage it. It will increase exponentially as you use each new ‘widening’ as a platform from which to ‘see’ and question even more. Awareness can help us to see options that might be more essential to our livelihood and living…… a more authentic and connected way of being in the world. A place of opening ourselves to new perspectives and choosing what feels most essential to our individual core.

I would say play with that for a few months and see how you feel and what you notice.
Ask yourself how you can keep yourself interested in it and make it fun as opposed to ‘work’ that feels tiring? Follow your curiosity about yourself.

Once we nurture self awareness there is no end to how we can observe, question and choose. And like most things we must actually engage and cultivate our skills of awareness.
If we don’t engage or interact with it, it’s like having a garden we have taken the time to nurture and cultivate but instead of eating and enjoying the abundance….we let it wither. We end up surrendering much of our own personal internal resource. Why not choose to be your own gardener and harvest the abundance inside of YOU?
When we trust a little and take a leap…… letting go of concepts, habits and pictures of ‘reality’ we have held for so long…….we can create so much possibility within ourselves and the world (a choice for growth and not from a sense of lacking in how we are right now). This practice asks you to disorient yourself and dwell in uncertainty just a little bit to potentially unwind and re-learn yourself in familiar and new ways. All this by simply choosing to bring greater awareness and loving curiosity to yourself.
It’s all pretty amazing………..

Thanks for reading…….much love

jacq

being human

Memes

PART 1

Memes……have you heard of them?
There is a whole field of Memetics (http://pespmc1.vub.ac.be/memes.html) that studies memes and it is vast and complex.
By their definition they are something that is acting upon and within us all the time….. and yet I also find them elusive.

Here is some history and definition (drawn for the work of Susan Blackmore and other sources)

The term meme (it’s pronounced like dream or cream) was coined by Richard Dawkins, Professor of the Public Understanding of Science at Oxford University, in his 1976 book The Selfish Gene. As examples of memes he suggested “musical tunes, ideas, catch-phrases, clothes fashions, ways of making pots or of building arches”.

Memes are habits, skills, songs, stories, or any other kind of information that is copied from person to person. Memes, like genes, are replicators. That is, they are information that is copied with variation and selection. Because only some of the variants survive, memes (and hence human cultures) evolve. Memes are copied by imitation, teaching and other methods, and they compete for space in our memories and for the chance to be copied again.

The word “meme” has recently been included in the Oxford English Dictionary where it is defined as follows “meme (mi:m), n. Biol. (shortened from mimeme … that which is imitated, after GENE n.) “An element of a culture that may be considered to be passed on by non-genetic means, esp. imitation”.

According to memetics, our minds and cultures are designed by natural selection (the process whereby organisms better adapted to their environment tend to survive and produce more offspring) acting on memes, just as organisms are designed by natural selection acting on genes. A central question for memetics is therefore ‘why has this meme survived?’. Some succeed because they are genuinely useful to us, while others use a variety of tricks to get themselves copied. From the point of view of the “selfish memes” all that matters is replication, regardless of the effect on either us or our genes.

Some memes are almost entirely exploitative, or viral, in nature, including chain letters and e-mail viruses. These consist of a “copy-me” instruction backed up with threats and promises. Religions have a similar structure and this is why Dawkins refers to them as ‘viruses of the mind’. Many organized religions threaten hell and damnation, promise heaven or salvation, and insist that their followers pass on their beliefs to others. This ensures the survival of the memeplex. Other viral memes include alternative therapies that don’t work, and new age fads and cults. Relatively harmless memes include children’s games, urban legends and popular songs, all of which can spread like infections.

At the other end of the spectrum memes survive because of their value to us. The most valuable of memeplexes include all of the arts and sports, transport and communications systems, political and monetary systems, literature and science.

Memetics has been used to provide new explanations of human evolution, including theories of altruism, the origins of language and consciousness, and the evolution of the large human brain. The Internet can be seen as a vast realm of memes, growing rapidly by the process of memetic evolution and not under human control.

(All of this taken into consideration….the field of memetics is still a new science, with many critics, and many difficulties to be resolved.)

PART 2

The curiosity for me is exploring where perhaps a meme ends and ‘I’ begin (or vice versa). It all gets a bit slippery and I am not sure there is ever an ‘I’ that simply stands by itself as each of us is a composite of experiences, influences and ideas (or memes).
But I believe that, with practice, we can begin to notice the influence of ideas, memes, conditioning and environment upon us. From there perhaps we can step back just enough to broaden perspective and find new choices available to each of us.

All of this leads me to continually explore the ways in which this dictates our behaviors, memories and stories as an individual but also as a society/community. Basically, the things that shape who we are. And simultaneously I am ever fascinated with this ability to expand our awareness, perspectives, ‘choices’ and possibilities.

Truly, all of this feels like a lifelong exploration to me as there seems to always be more layers of the self. Just as science continues to discover new dimensions and possibilities about our universe (and beyond)………..so it is with the inner universe of our mind & body complex. Like the universe I feel we are infinite and always expanding/contracting.
I think what makes it more tricky is that unlike the universe we are not unbiased or neutral. We have constructed our world with distinct parameters and social systems to ‘make sense’ and create ”order’ from what is infinite within and around us. These systems dictate how we measure ourselves, view the world and the concepts by which we live. And since this world is also filled with so much human diversity…. these measurements, views and concepts can both be helpful and harmful.

So much of what I explore in myself and through my life is how to simply reveal more layers (that are equal ‘truth’) in and around me. I am not content with looking through the same glasses my whole life with lenses (conditioning) that perhaps I know limit my vision. Who would want to keep wearing those glasses knowing it diminishes their sight?
All of the practice and ‘exercises’ help me to switch out the lenses and keep finding the ways my vision can grow and adjust.
(I remember hearing about a young friend who they didn’t know needed glasses. When he wore his new glasses for the first time he was talking about things he was ‘seeing’ that he had not been able to see before in his everyday environment. I am feeling a metaphor here.)

I hear people invoke the phrase ‘if it ain’t broken, don’t fix it’. If your sight seems perfectly acceptable by standards and it isn’t giving you obvious headaches……why change the lenses? Besides, it’s a hassle….right?
In fact, I had someone recently read my post about ‘Choice’ and say it sounded amazing but it is ‘asking a lot of people’ and that what I am suggesting is probably ‘too difficult’ for most.

I understand all of that.
Again, for me, there is truly no ‘right or wrong’ way of living or seeing the world (Although we each can have our own opinions). None of what I suggest is about ‘shoulds’ or ‘right’…..it is simply offering possibilities through awareness and curiosity. It is offering tools for how we might continue to meet (and perhaps adapt) to this ever evolving world of people, diversity and complexity.  And to also invite new insight about ourselves previously ‘hidden’.
That is where it gets interesting for me. Not in maintaining how I see myself and the world…..but in allowing it to open and evolve.

That is when I feel potential unfolding.

Thanks for reading……….

(and if you are ever wondering why I put quotation marks around so many words it is because those words feel quite subjective and more like concepts than definitives. What I suggest is more exploration than ‘answer’ or definitions.)

being human

History~memory~choice -Part 1

I believe we can find our personal empowerment in choice. Over time and/or through conditioning we sometimes narrow our perspective of ourselves and life situations, limiting our ability to see the myriad of choices in any given moment. Why not widen our scope (through awareness and curiosity) and discover the multitude of options around us for how we might feel, perceive, think and act in relation to situations and people.

I realize keeping our choices limited might feel easier at times. (Some people have expressed to me that having more options can feel overwhelming and that keeping it ‘small’ brings a sense of safety or control.) But I am only suggesting you become aware of the possibilities…….ultimately you don’t have to choose to feel or act differently. Even when we continue to choose what is familiar, the practice of expanding our awareness of other possibilities is a profound tool in our complex world as humans.

I imagine this can all sound a bit vague……so I will try to offer some examples.

Here is a possible scenario…….
Let’s say I am having a disagreement with a friend and I walk away feeling committed to the perception that they are wrong and I am right. I perceive the situation in black or white terms. (I can certainly stay in this perception and whatever happens will happen.) And……I can also begin to question elements of the situation without placing blame or sense of right & wrong. If I allow myself to soften I can begin to see more options of perspective and viewpoint that lead me into a a wider circle of possibility. These new possibilities of thinking can help shift me out of my old conditioning and limited perspective.
Again, when I let go of my attachment to the familiar ‘I am right’ then suddenly anything is possible as far as my ability to choose a new reaction, response or even become more compassionate.
(I know that I certainly feel more vulnerable when I let go of attachment and open up to other perspectives…..but ultimately I grow and in that there is greater freedom.)

When I find myself in any situation like this I often walk away and then begin to ask myself questions as if I were a neutral bystander. I ask gentle and probing questions into my behavior and also look to uncover as many ideas (without knowing which might be more valid than another) about the other persons behavior. The key for me is always just being curious but not attached to an ‘answer’ because in the alchemy of human interactions I have found there is rarely a single answer or ‘reason’. (And I know that when I describe it here it sounds so neat and tidy….but believe me…..sometimes my process might be a little messy as I sort through my emotions & protective ego along the way.)

This method of ‘black or white’ thinking (‘one or another’ as the only possibilities) is a prevalent form of human assessment. I think we take comfort in having an answer as opposed to seeing the many possibilities and not really knowing what might be ‘true’.
And yes, sometimes we have past experience that informs us and this is a fundamental way in which we learn. (I touched the hot toaster, I burnt my finger and now I know not to touch it again.) We come to know our world through this process and it often works quite well. But there is a whole realm of non-black or white (or hot/cold) situations…… remembering this can be liberating.
When we limit ourselves to only seeing things as ‘it is this way or it is that way’ or ‘they are this or they are that’….how does that truly serve us, others or the world?

Another example of limited perception is how we might feel about something that has happened in the past. We often unknowingly ‘assign’ a particular emotion to an event and perhaps don’t take the time to notice there might be a multitude of other possible emotions that are also true. At any point we have the power to choose how we feel and perceive. Even if the predominant emotion is ‘sad’ or ‘happy’ they are most likely accompanied by other feelings all interconnected. It is unlikely to have any of these emotions exist in a vortex on their own.
(All emotions have overtones of the others and we are able to find variation in our emotions when we change from thinking in singular and narrow terms alone…happy, sad, anger, fear).
When we open ourselves to a greater range of possibilities, we might discover new information about our relationship with an event and gradually begin to integrate what we discover, therefore shifting how we label and relate to it.

Any time we simply react or follow our habitual emotional response to a situation or memory, we minimize our personal potential because we forfeit choice.
Each of us is amazingly complex and has a continuous system of thoughts and feelings flowing through us. Due to conditioning we might end up having the same perspective, thoughts and feelings time after time.
A great analogy might be comparing this constant stream of thoughts to something like a river.

In this sense we are immersed in a river constantly (the ‘river’ being these thoughts/feelings) and you see the same rocks (perceptions) over and over again along the banks of this river. You might also attempt to cling to the same branch at a certain point. But through practice (opening our focus and letting go of attachment to ‘right or wrong’) we may begin to see the sky, trees, colors and even the horizon. Why not open our personal lens and practice taking in all that is possible? Why not allow a little bit of surrender while in that river of thoughts and emotions and see where it takes you? You can always return to the safety of the familiar rocks or branch…… but what if you choose to expand the landscape of possibility?  What if you could also perceive other thoughts, feelings and perspectives in the landscape beyond the familiar?

being human

History~memory~choice -Part 2

Try this…….
The next time you find yourself in a situation of challenging emotions, conflict or conditioned reaction…….try to imagine everything you are thinking and feeling as this river. By this I mean let go……. try to consciously allow it to flow over (or through) you without getting stuck on one thought or feeling. Let all possible thoughts, ideas, perspectives flow without limitation as you choose to look around and see what else there is.  Remind yourself you can always choose when you want to narrow your vision and grab that familiar branch or rock….. but see if you can surrender. For just a few moments see if you can sense that there are other possibilities for how you might choose to see, feel and think.
Notice how it feels to let go of ‘right and wrong’, certainty or the attachment to feeling or thinking a specific way. Let the river take you and see if you can notice something new for however long you are in it. Just notice what you see and feel and perhaps allow the waters to soften you. (I have found when I feel myself soften…..I am able to be with my past conditioning/responses but can also open to a new landscape in the present.)
**Perhaps think of it in metaphors you would enjoy…… maybe a fabulous crossword puzzle, a challenging piece of music, a math problem or an incredibly satisfying organization project. A place where you bring your attention and slowly reveal that which was not seen or known before.**

I want to share a personal story that is an example of what I am trying to describe.
This story is probably one of the greater defining stories in my life and had such impact on so many aspects of who I am.
My grandmother died when I was 12 and there was a consequent chain of significant events which contributed to her death being emotionally and psychologically complex.

I have spent quite a bit of time in the past few decades unfolding the layers of this grief, the loss and the story.
This time of year it is ever more present as a certain tangible melancholy seems to invade my cells starting around my birthday in early March.  And so it has become like a pilgrimage of sorts each year at this time……honoring my birth, the coming of Spring and my grandmother’s passing.
Perhaps that all sounds so clear and tidy……but it can be pretty messy along the way wrestling with so many ghosts of thought and emotion.

So…….now that you have some back ground let me share how this particular story of me connects to what I am writing about.

The other day as I was talking to a friend about how things unfolded with her dying (overflowing with all my years of personal reflection and insight). I realized again almost for the first time, as memory is sometimes conveniently attached to certain perspectives, that I was still choosing to perceive her dying  as ‘tragic’ and negative. There was only ‘black or white’ and I chose ‘black’.
As I softened and allowed myself to be curious I discovered (and remembered) so many other truths.
The truth that life unfolds with unknowable blessing and challenges. That it is up to me as far as how I carry those memories, how I tell those stories and how I let it permeate my sense of being in the world.
As a child I couldn’t do that….the only choice I knew was grief and deep loss and that was what I carried with me unquestioned into adulthood. This seemed like a fair assessment…….so why would I question it?

I choose to question it because I realized that only feeling the ‘grief and loss’ perpetuated the perception of ‘negative’ or ‘tragedy’ in some way. And when I allow myself to be in the river of thoughts and emotions and let all perspectives wash over me…..that is when I see there are so many other elements to the landscape other than the rocks of grief and loss.
The other day I wasn’t clinging to a branch where all I could see was the story of this as a ‘sad tragedy’. When I allowed myself to keep moving through the waters of possibility and not remain stuck in one perspective,  I could recognize I am amazingly who I am because of her passing and all that followed.
That it is absolutely possible to be with the grief, honor her life (and death) and also recognize that there was so much beauty that also grew from it. That her dying was not just an ‘end’ …..it planted seeds of beginning within me. From here I am able to both feel appreciation for her life and her death….as well as the other things that followed.

Arriving in this perspective has taken curiosity and permission (and still there are times I ‘forget’). I could easily stay attached to the familiar perspective of ‘sad tragedy’ but through practice I have found other ‘truths’ and through this I have found greater love, appreciation and freedom.
I believe this is true with most aspects of our stories, memories and lives.
Why not be curious? Why not gently unfold layers and discover new possibilities of how you feel and think in your skin and in the world?

We have this possibility every day…..every moment……..perhaps just pick one and see what you find……
why not?

Thanks for reading……..
blessings
jacq

being human

fear

All I do is type that word and then sit here with the cursor blinking. Is it an emotion? A psychological state? A survival tool? All of these?
I am thinking about fear this morning as the ever elusive player in emotional relationships. (Not exactly the same fear that comes when you sense a physical threat but certainly connected through survival instincts). The fear that doesn’t necessarily serve us anymore and perhaps never truly did. The fear that was developed as a form of protection and has integrated itself so seamlessly that it is challenging to know where it begins and ends.

Fear is an amazing force that has depth of power which can dictate behavior and choices. It can be used as a conscious tool of manipulation, be running the show unknown from behind the scenes and it can also be any variation in between. It is a great motivator and sometimes a tireless adversary.

I personally watch how fear moves for me and I can honestly say it has often been an amazing barometer encouraging me to pursue things in my life. If I am afraid of something (like a gig, opportunity or trip) it typically means it is important to me and I choose to not shy away from it.
There is also the fear that comes up in emotionally charged situations that can narrow my vision or perspective and influence my behavior in unhelpful ways. It is these moments I am putting my attention towards more and more these years. Trying to lift layers of ‘me’ and understand the root of the fears because they are rarely about the situation at hand. There is a complicated art form of knowing these fears under the surface and what is the perceived ‘threat’. It takes a bit of reflection after the moment to ask questions and bring a gentle curiosity.

Whether with a friend, family or lover we all experience these moments of fear and how they can derail us. Next time you have had an emotionally intense exchange or argument perhaps take the time afterward to ask yourself what you were afraid of. Just continue to gently ask and see if you hear any reply/answers. The more wisdom and insight we have around what we are afraid of……. the more we know where to guide our love towards and within ourselves. Sometimes the best way to meet fear is by simply acknowledging it and holding it close with loving arms. This approach worked when we were kids……..and I know it still goes a long way when I am able to hold myself now.
The power of reflection and curiosity is there for each of us to grow our personal wisdom. Sometimes it is less about the situation itself……. and more about what we can learn for ourselves about love and fear through it.

Thanks for reading…and loving
jacq

being human

guilt

Guilt

…….is fascinating.

Just look at the word above and see what it elicits from within you.

It’s more than a word…..it is a whole ecosystem that is vast in scope and persistent in the human experience.
If we let go of discussing the many religious affinities…… we still have so much left to reflect upon (even if it is perhaps fueled by religious lineage).

Let’s make a short list of some potential guilt triggers:
-Eating (or not eating) certain things
-A choice made during a major life event
-An action taken that affected someone else adversely
-Simply feeling happy
-‘Awkward’ social interactions
-Forgetting to send that birthday card

Guilt is also something we find utilized as a technique for influencing the behavior of others:
-A parent with a child
-A partner with their intimate
-An organization with its members
-Advertisers toward consumers

……and I am sure you could add even more to these lists.  Guilt is also powerful at its most subtle and I think this contributes to its continued life span and affect.

I personally feel ‘guilt’ has no real value (which I can imagine stirs any number of responses) and is a non-growthful mechanism.
I have had some argue that guilt is what helps guide your behavior in a society. But for me that is the role or job of the ‘conscience’.
The definition of conscience is:
an aptitude, faculty, intuition, or judgment of the intellect that distinguishes right from wrong. Moral evaluations of this type may reference values or norms (principles and rules)

So, if we have conscience to do the work of assessing our choices….what is the role of guilt?

(And to clarify….I feel guilt is different from the natural and balanced process of remorse that we sometimes experience and transform throughout our life. I think remorse left to fester can become the weight of guilt and no longer a process but a location.)

Guilt feels like it keeps us dwelling in the past as opposed to living in the now or the possibility of future.
Our conscience is what helps us reflect on our choices/behaviors and decide if might have ‘fallen short’,  need to make amends or grow in a certain aspect of ourselves. But guilt on the other hand seems to tether us and limit us. It can become a resident presence within us.

Here is the thing about the past……we have the ability to choose how we perceive it and feel about it. We get to choose how we tell the story. This is not saying you can change the things that have happened in the past nor is this saying you should be ‘dishonest’. I am simply saying you can change how you feel about the events of the past because they don’t exist except as a memory or as a perception we tell ourselves and others. You can decide how you would like to tell the story of your past in which it is more supportive for your growth in the now and energy you take into your future. Not always a simple unwinding….. but with practice this becomes an amazing tool for personal growth.

Perhaps ask yourself where guilt has become habitual? Think about any or all the moments in the course of a day or week where you feel guilty or ‘bad’ about something (no matter how small….because they accumulate).
Is it possible that guilt has become a method for avoiding growth or change? How does guilt give you permission to simply remain in the perception of inadequacy or sense of misery? What else might you notice?

Remorse, sadness or grieving is a natural response and human process we all go through. It is an opportunity to feel and move through the waves of emotions and emerge into a place where the weight of these emotions are not limiting you. In contrast, guilt, rarely seems to be helping you move into new territory or growth.

Throughout our lives we all make ‘poor’ choices, cause hurt or behave in ways that we struggle with deeply…..
I don’t think there is a way to avoid this. But the potency of these events is truly in how we perceive these moments, tell the story and let them evolve as we move forward with new insight.

How does guilt support your growth and continued brilliance?

(And when we make poor choices, for which we might have guilt, are those choices not often caused by our not feeling brilliant but small? And wouldn’t dwelling in guilt create a perpetual cycle for more poor choices…… and more guilt?)

The only things I can imagine that have any authentic value are the ones that lift us up. The things that allow each of us to rise to our brilliance and meet it fully. Anything that keeps you ‘small’, less than or feeling lacking doesn’t serve you or the world.

Ultimately, each of us needs to look at what lies underneath the guilt and find the emotions, stories and energies that are keeping the guilt stuck within us. Guilt is less about the event itself and more about how we perceive and feel about it. This is where your tools of unconditioned love and curiosity can come in……..
Let the feeling or story of guilt become the guide towards Love. I have found, in my life, that Love is truly greater than fear (or anything else). That things like fear, anger and guilt typically exist from a lack of loving within myself. Nobody could teach me the details of this……I had to discover its essence on my own.

I had to be curious enough to love myself…….
…… to let go of feeling attached to ideas and move towards what brought me closer to my brilliance.

Thanks for reading and sharing.
blessings
jacq

being human

communication as spiritual practice

A friend recently commented on my communications skills as seeming very ‘strong’ and my reply was that it felt like a spiritual practice to me. I sat with this and began to follow a thread of what that meant to me and what brought me there.

I realized so clearly that starting back around 2000/2001 I had reached a point where it felt like my life ‘depended’ upon me learning to communicate with all my parts…..all aspects of myself. Developing this communication was all I felt like I could do to survive so I set out to learn about all the layers of me and have a relationship with them.

In this act of ‘survival’, I committed myself to it wholly. Along the way I discovered I needed to dismantle so much of the concepts and beliefs I had been taught/learned in my life about relationship to self (and relationships in general). A daunting realization at the time considering how established our perspectives and thoughts have become even by early ages. It sorta felt like trying to climb Mt. Everest, blind and with no gear.
I basically needed to ‘tear down’ so much of what I thought I knew and was using as my compass in life. I discovered I needed to build something new from ‘scratch’ based on listening to my personal map, needs, soul, parts and my heart. I needed to authentically find what was essential to me from the inside.
Over time….. with dedication, work, trust, trial & error and the type of unconditional Love you might see in a parent for their child, I felt a shift within me begin.
Slow….
Slow….
Little by little….
Without attachment or agenda…………
I set upon the path of intentional listening, loving and communication with myself. The only guide was a sense of deep unconditioned Love and alliance with all parts/aspects of me and the truth that we all embody human and divine simultaneously without exception.
And since I had reached such a low point of struggle and felt I had nothing ‘to lose’ by trying such a radical approach……..I could really jump into the ‘not knowing’. (Like I said …..Mt Everest blind) It was scary at times ….but I so quickly began to get these tiny glimpses inside myself. They became like beacons helping me when I felt so lost and afraid without my familiar thoughts/behaviors to fall back on. Even when I didn’t understand any of it I began to trust more and more…….. and then slowly the ‘not knowing’ became the gift of possibility.
The place from which I could get out from under the personal ‘bullying’ and re-write the map of me.

These days when I speak with people about practices of self awareness, communication and loving yourself fully I often hear things like ‘it sounds too hard’, that’s too much work’ or ‘it’s impossible’.  And I truly understand this response.
10 yrs ago I might have said the same thing…..I don’t know.
And I think this might feel true with anything that is not habitual, the ‘norm’ or even familiar…..or any form of ‘un-learning’.

And yes, it took work, it was hard at times and I was never sure it was ‘possible’.

But I felt that way with surfing, a certain handful of performance pieces over the years, traveling solo to West Africa and countless other things throughout my life. Maybe I felt that way when I set out to climb my first tree or ride my bike……I don’t remember. But I do know it took work to learn these things and now they are an integrated part of me.
And it is the same with loving yourself, learning new perspectives, new tools and re-mapping within yourself.
You practice…… and suddenly you are on that top branch or down the block with a sense of incredible freedom.

Thanks for reading…..
blessings
jacq

being human

motivation for discovery

Does the change you desire for yourself come from comparing yourself to things externally or does it comes from your own intuition or inner sense of constriction/limitation?
So often we look at the world around us and through a process of judging, comparing and critiquing we create a list of ‘shoulds’ that become our guide towards personal growth. The challenge of this, I have found, is that it becomes more of an imbalanced ego based directive that is rooted in this system of ‘greater than/lesser than’.

It is tricky to write about because there is such subtlety in all of this and no ‘black or white’ definitives……..

We certainly want to strive to grow and sometimes it is an external ‘reminder’ that can help us. But I am talking about the process of seeing someone/something outside of ourselves and then feeling a sense of ‘lacking’ based on comparison and judgement completely entrenched in a sense of ‘greater than/lesser than’….completely based on reaching for something outside of us. We then push and pull and critique ourselves toward trying to look or be this perceived better way.
The missing piece quite often in this process is personal reflection that allows you to ask what these certain qualities or outcomes mean to you. How might this ‘change’ serve you and how does it inspire you?
It’s possible to see the external stimulus and take it inside of yourself, allowing your own authentic intuition to be your guide…..not starting from a sense of ‘lacking’ or ‘less than’ but of curiosity. To have a personal barometer for your own needs toward the growth that will most supprt you.
Each of us is completely unique, not just in fingerprints and DNA, but our personal journey and map of who we are and what is essential for our livelihood. We might find similarities and affinities with others….of course….but ultimately we are beautifully unique and each of us needs to take responsibility to get to know ourselves and ‘tweak’ our personal journey as we go.
Much in the same way that a medicine someone is taking at a particular moment might not be a medicine I need to take in that same moment (in fact, I could possibly get sick if I do) we must remember to listen to our own needs and experiences.

For me it starts with being an ally to all my parts. A place of unconditional love and not self deprecation and criticism. A place of feeling whole already and yet open to growth, increased wellness and evolution.

Feeling inspired to grow and cultivate parts of yourself is beautiful work. To do this ‘work’ authentically I think it is essential to discover where your motivation is coming from.  Too often our endeavors for ‘personal growth’ become set ups for perceived failure or unhealthy comparisons of merit.  This seems to create an idea that ‘personal growth’ is not really possible or that it’s something we are perpetually ‘chasing’. I often hear people joke about the possibility of ever reaching enlightenment, as if it is a lofty goal only certain ‘elite’ reach. The truth is we all have it within us already…..it is only our perception of where it is, what it is and who we are that can limit our connection to it.
All this ‘personal growth’ is already within us. We need to do the simple and yet complicated practice of being curious to know ourselves because even the best tools can fall short without personal knowledge. All practices and tools involve you walking the path and doing the work of you. Nobody can do it but you.

I was watching a movie where a character said “You need to choose your thoughts the same way you choose your clothes”. I thought this was a great reminder to how simple it can be….with practice. Getting to know our thoughts and discerning….choosing……this is the art and practice of being human. The choosing of our thoughts completely shifts the playing field to one of empowerment and personal reflection…..not just being pushed and shoved by models of ‘lesser than/greater than’. We get to choose these thoughts that in turn affect how we feel and how we choose our actions toward ‘personal growth’.
You have all the tools you need within you….there is nothing to obtain that is outside of you.
Why not cultivate them……..
Truly.
Reach within and discover.
Be open to the surprise and the challenge.
Be curious.
Be Loving.

Unplug from so much that you have been taught when it comes to the journey of personal growth and begin to know what medicine you need right now and what might be limiting you.
Only you can discover it.
Why not dive into the ocean of you…..is there anything more precious and amazing?

Thanks for reading.
blessings
jacq

being human

loving with disappointment

Recently, a good friend wrote to me about feeling hurt, angry and disappointed with her adult son. He has stopped being in touch, has missed birthdays, neglected to check in about health events and has not even given her the courtesy of letting her know when Christmas gifts arrived until finally emailing and at first joking they were damaged in the mail.
I feel and understand her hurt and I listen to all that comes up for her and the many emotions it stirs.
And along with listening I also offer perspectives and practice for this journey of relationship.

Relationships, whether they are family, friends, romantic or work, are intricate and complicated. They ask us to come into knowing ourselves more intimately than anything else.
I have arrived at a place in my life where I know I have expectations of people in my life. And the truth is that I want to have expectations of others and for them to have them of me.
The key here is the layers of knowledge for accompanying these expectations to prevent anger, hurt, frustration and the perpetual feeling of banging ones head against the wall.

First, comes the need for communication both with yourself and the other person. You need to be aware of your expectations and communicate them to yourself…..have a sense of their depth and what they mean to you. Then, you need to be able to communicate this to the other person, if not as a general practice, then certainly during the times where the nature of the expectation involved causes stress.
Second, you need to ask yourself if you would want to continue to have this person as part of your life if they cannot meet your expectation. You need to discover what the ‘line’ is for you. Ask yourself what you feel is essential in the relationship and for your overall health…..basically, what is a ‘deal breaker’. When you understand this in yourself you are more able to choose whether or not to participate in the relationship or how much to participate.
Third, if there is a not a ‘deal breaker’ involved then you to need practice gentle love and compassion for yourself and the other person. We cannot change the other person but we can shift our responses. This usually involves a widening of perspective and expansion of the heart. (Again, this is true when their isn’t a ‘deal breaker’ with your boundaries and needs. This is not about being self deprecating through imbalanced altruism.)
We get to practice not taking everything completely personally and realize that each of us is unique and complicated. We get to have our expectations AND if we ‘choose’ to have the relationship…. then we must also accept these expectations might not be ‘met’ and we might feel disappointed from time to time. That once we accept the nature of the ‘dance’ we have to let go of a sense of being ‘right’ and placing blame. (which we often like to do when we feel hurt or vulnerable.)

For myself, I figured out that I need to cultivate loving people ‘where they’re at’ while continuing to learn what my needs and boundaries are.
I need to stay clear in what I know about myself while loving them as they are….even if they never shift their behavior. (And that can be challenging.)
I also get to choose if I want to keep them an active part of my life and/or how much connection I might want.

People are complicated…
Hmmmmmmm……….
This example might help to illustrate……
If someone is bedridden can you honestly get mad at them for not taking a walk with you?

We all have certain ‘handicaps’……some are more obvious than others (whether they are physical, emotional or other).
If your immediate need is to walk with someone perhaps don’t choose to be with the friend who is unable to walk right now……
Honor your needs and honor their abilities….find where those meet.

And…..
Along the way we might need to release our emotions and let our frustration move through us before we can get there….great, then find out how to do it without pointing the finger at someone else. Know what you need to do to clear your path.
Let yourself hear all your feelings, listen to them, understand them and hold them lovingly…….
Then gently move into a widening circle of compassion as you find where you and the other person can genuinely meet……..perhaps with expectations that no longer create a setup for both of you feeling hurt, frustrated or shutting each other out.

Not always simple………. but insightful.
Why not nurture yourself and end any patterns that don’t serve you feeling fully enlivened?
🙂

being human

What is ‘self care’?

The topic of ‘self care’ seems to be coming up in conversations a lot lately and to some degree it can mean different things to different people. It can also be more or less affected by life situation and circumstances. But for so many people I speak with, the ‘basics’ such as sleep, nourishing food, non-‘doing’ time and water, take a back seat to hectic schedules….. and they acknowledge this. They reflect on their attempts at shifting it but the tone of their reflection tends to move towards a sense of ‘failure’ in the end or a temporary ‘victory’.

So, why is it that in our lives the first thing that seems to depart is basic ‘self care’?
And how is it that we have created a culture where this is so common and acceptable and in some arenas (such as jobs or academia) it is expected? Can you imagine if within job culture that ‘self care’ was viewed as a strength and encouraged?

Now, I understand that in certain circumstances like raising children there is a whole different set of needs and we make necessary sacrifices for our children. But I also understand that it takes a ‘village’ to raise a child and many of us have lost that ‘village’ sensibility. Our society has held on high the ‘merits’ of self sufficiency and privacy. We have become more independent and insular which can often bring on more stress due to lack of integrated support network. (When I say ‘integrated’ I am referring to a community of support that doesn’t just manifest in times of crisis but is ongoing.)
I also believe that self care and child raising can go together and that our cultural legacy has not offered us a strong models for this. (Sometimes we almost wear our exhaustion like a badge of honor or way to ‘show’ the world we are working hard and earning our merit)
And whether or not you have children are we not always taking care of all the growing aspects of ourselves even as ‘adults’? Is there not a growing, nurturing, learning and loving quality to each of our days as we navigate our lives and the many layers of who we are?
It also seems less common to see someone who grew up being taught or shown the unique personal importance of self care. So many children these days watch the adults around them rushing about, eating while on the run, driving while on the phone, ‘running late’, on their computers/smart phones all the time, distracted etc etc (to name a few). Where do we think young people learn self care? Where did you or I learn our knowledge of self care (and I am talking beyond brushing our teeth and basic hygiene)?
I am not criticizing these qualities of hecticity……some of these are a part of my life too. But……I think it is about balance…….we don’t need to choose all or nothing….we each need to discover and integrate balance.
If self care is such a reoccurring topic of conversation and point of reflection (or even the mirror for feeling bad about oneself based on comparison) than there must be something significant about it…yes? And if it is something so many people seem to desire and yet it is elusive perhaps there is something to discover.
So where to begin….?
For me it always begins with a question(s).
I suppose each person would need to start with honestly asking themselves what ‘self care’ means for them (because it is different for each of us although we will have common themes) and perhaps even ask why it is important.
And then perhaps gently ask without judgement, ‘what gets in my way of doing this care?’.

I believe so much begins from within……not from the outside in. You need to connect to your own ‘center’……that wise & grounded place in each of us. It is within this center that we can learn about what we need and what gets in our way. The key here is learning to listen and this takes some practice for many of us.

We also need to get out from within the pattern of viewing self care as this elusive quality that we have for a fleeting moment and then we ‘mess up’. This always seems like a set up for feeling bad about oneself. Perhaps know that it is already within you and you are simply allowing space for it to emerge. And any time you notice you weren’t able to allow it……gently question without judgement. Perhaps be curious and loving as a part of your self care. It might take time but it is truly there within you to cultivate.

(I don’t know about you, but I typically feel more willing to be vulnerable in situations that feel safe and nurturing as opposed to ones where it feels harsh and critical. In the latter I am going to protect myself and not open up. If you want to get to know the vulnerable and honest parts of yourself perhaps let go of the criticism and cultivate a compassionate and gentle approach. This is certainly not the model we have learned overall but why not try it?)

So, why not start right now and feel into what is self care for you.
Notice if you feel it is already integrated into your days.
Notice if you have any sense of lacking with it.
Notice what it means to you and the thoughts that tag along in this process.
Simply notice.
You will be your best guide in knowing what is true for you. Just open an environment in yourself for this ‘truth’ to emerge freely. Continue to cultivate unconditioned love for yourself…….believe that you are doing it with every breath you take.
Why not?

Thanks for reading and sharing.
jacq

being human

Looking inward (first)

I find it curious why so many people look consistently outside themselves to ‘know’ themselves or to elicit change for themselves/in the world (looking outside themselves even for Love which is inherently ‘within’ each of us). If each person no matter their age, income or faith (including politicians and CEOs) were to look inward, observe and inquire…… how might things change? (And how might that look on the level of government and corporations? Perhaps it would dissolve the qualities of dishonesty and ‘power’ for profit.)
And if each person were to meet themselves in this self reflection/inquiry with loving-kindness, gentleness and compassion…….how would that utterly change the experience you have living in your own skin? (Not a warm and fuzzy concept alone…. but truly ‘living’ it)

Most things in our society begin with a person(s).  An idea, perpetuation, action, reaction and so on. Whether it is fashion, social mores, viewpoints, language, emotions, stories or Love…….the common denominator is people.  We each are ‘ripple points’ from which so much may emanate. And it is the same with this choice of looking inward and choosing a perception of loving kindness. When we choose to shift the accepted ‘norm’ of how we behave as humans, toward ourselves and others, we create a ripple point.

I know for me that when I engage these qualities within myself that I find it difficult to perpetuate unkind words, actions and thoughts. They simply dissolve as they no longer are fueled from a sense of ‘lacking’ within. When I find ‘peace’ within myself there is no need to judge by comparison or create a ‘greater than lesser than’ perspective (which underlies so much of our forms of criticism & judgement). And if I am not acting on this standard behavior I am creating a contradiction that ripples out and perhaps offers invitation or resonance for someone else to do the same.
(And I know it certainly ‘frees up’ so much of my energy since it is not tied up in chatter of beating myself or somebody else up…..or deciding where myself and others fall on the scale of ‘good/bad’, ‘right/wrong’, successful/unsuccessful’, ‘greater than/lesser than’ etc.)

This superficial barometer plays out in most avenues of our lives. It is woven into the very fabric of what we consider ‘normal’ existence. We compare ourselves (and others) to our neighbors, friends and media etc….. to decide where we fall on the scale of ‘success’. The scale of ‘greater than/lesser than’. We look to the outside to understand merit and value instead of from the inner sense of self. We tend to tune out our ‘intuition’ and override this with external source information that doesn’t always serve us. But what if we interrupted this process and let ourselves witness all of it from a place within us that is not ‘lacking’? A place that is not ‘small’ but infinite and loving…..a place that honestly knows nobody is ‘better’ than anyone else, just different.
We get to choose the behaviors we keep alive and pay forward to each generation that comes. In all my teaching and travels I have yet to meet someone who says they enjoy or find positive tools in this unique human quality of self deprecation, feeling bad about oneself, the system of judging that inevitably puts someone at the bottom so someone else can be toward the top, the lens of always looking outside yourself to know how to feel inside yourself…..etc.

How do you relate to any of this……?
Do you find any curiosity…….

Take a moment and see if you can touch this……2 minutes. Just sit and breathe and relax. Invite (slowly) the feeling or idea of there is nothing lacking within you and that nobody is actually ‘better than’ anyone else (yourself included). See if you can touch that calm truth for just a moment. Notice the ‘chatter’ and thoughts that come and what you touch upon. Just notice…..nothing else. Perhaps once a week (or once a day) revisit this little practice and see how it shifts…….and again simply notice what comes without judging it. No pressure….just curiosity.

Thanks for reading….
blessings
Jacqueline

being human

Derech Eretz

Derech eretz is, in its broadest sense, acting with consideration and kindness to one’s fellow human beings, and in so doing, fulfilling the will of God. It is something observed in Orthodox Judaism and of course comes with varying interpretations.

A friend of mine recently wrote to me and spoke of dharma, friendship and derech….and reflected on their inherent presence in every footstep. And we both seemed to agree that although each of these may be ‘inherent’, awareness and attention are also needed in the recipe.
And then I happened upon reader reviews of a book about a person striving for ‘derech eretz’ in every day life and journaling about it for 1 year.
And so I ponder………

What is it to be ‘good’?  ( And for me the word ‘good’ has been the victim of unfortunate manipulation and laden with subjective perspective and judgement. For this reason I tend to not engage it and feel weary when people speak of ‘doing good’.)And when we ask how it is that each of us can go about treating others with respect, consideration and compassion…….what do these things mean to each of us? These are questions that cannot be answered by the Bible or any scriptures. The answers lie within each of us and in symphony with one another.

Would you only act with respect and compassion towards others if it is the will of ‘God’ ? Why wouldn’t you engage these qualities simply because they exist and you exist?

Perhaps the golden rule of ‘do unto others as one would wish be done unto oneself’ is a great guide or springboard. (In the Talmud it is written: “What is hateful to you do not do to your neighbor.) But is it not possible that with so much conditioning towards shades of abuse and self deprecation that even this has lost its ability to guide us intuitively?

And when we are able to navigate our awareness and authentic expression of compassion and kindness with self and other……how do we maintain keen clarity of motivations and the tempting concepts of ‘success and failure’ (ie: moral one-upmanship or evidence to feel poorly about oneself)?
How do we engage and enact these qualities (soul level qualities) even with our differences and incredible diversity? How do we meet as humans?

I personally feel we need to put all of our rich experiences and feelings of ‘God’ aside and ask ourselves in our own hearts what is kindness and compassion….what is ‘good-ness’? What is the world we want to dwell in?
If I take time to look at my own self and ask what gets in my way of being considerate, compassionate and respectful, both equally of others and myself, then perhaps I can find how engaging these exact qualities might guide me back to them.

Is it truly so difficult for each of us to reflect upon our own behaviors and conditioning so that we might unwind our tendency away from compassion and kindness?
I know the answers to these questions are not so simple as it is not simple to be human. It is quite intricate and mysterious at times.

Self reflection is an amazing gift and when done without a whiff of judgement or imbalance it can give in the most amazing and unexpected ways. (The emphasis here being on ‘done without a whiff of judgement or imbalance’ otherwise it becomes only a facade without true dimension )
Perhaps ask yourself to reflect throughout your day on your canopy of continuous emotions & thoughts and just be witness and NOT judge. See what you can learn about the different aspects of yourself and even ask yourself what these parts of you might need to come more and more into balance. More and more into synchronicity with compassion, kindness and equanimity.
Let go of judging others or writing stories about their motivation or intentions. We truly never need to diminish ourselves or others…..never. I find this to be a reaction that serves nothing but to feed a process that doesn’t support our being fully enlivened individuals. So why do it?
Well, probably because it is what we learned as children and what was modeled by generation upon generation. But we do get to shift it. We get to develop a new way of existing in our thoughts, feelings and actions.
All it takes is personal self reflection.  Breath.  This awareness is where compassion and kindness can grow if you simply plant the seeds.
And then, perhaps, these qualities come naturally and without effort.  Kindness and compassion are not separate from you….but inherent in every footstep and breath you take.