A friend recently commented on my communications skills as seeming very ‘strong’ and my reply was that it felt like a spiritual practice to me. I sat with this and began to follow a thread of what that meant to me and what brought me there.
I realized so clearly that starting back around 2000/2001 I had reached a point where it felt like my life ‘depended’ upon me learning to communicate with all my parts…..all aspects of myself. Developing this communication was all I felt like I could do to survive so I set out to learn about all the layers of me and have a relationship with them.
In this act of ‘survival’, I committed myself to it wholly. Along the way I discovered I needed to dismantle so much of the concepts and beliefs I had been taught/learned in my life about relationship to self (and relationships in general). A daunting realization at the time considering how established our perspectives and thoughts have become even by early ages. It sorta felt like trying to climb Mt. Everest, blind and with no gear.
I basically needed to ‘tear down’ so much of what I thought I knew and was using as my compass in life. I discovered I needed to build something new from ‘scratch’ based on listening to my personal map, needs, soul, parts and my heart. I needed to authentically find what was essential to me from the inside.
Over time….. with dedication, work, trust, trial & error and the type of unconditional Love you might see in a parent for their child, I felt a shift within me begin.
Little by little….
Without attachment or agenda…………
I set upon the path of intentional listening, loving and communication with myself. The only guide was a sense of deep unconditioned Love and alliance with all parts/aspects of me and the truth that we all embody human and divine simultaneously without exception.
And since I had reached such a low point of struggle and felt I had nothing ‘to lose’ by trying such a radical approach……..I could really jump into the ‘not knowing’. (Like I said …..Mt Everest blind) It was scary at times ….but I so quickly began to get these tiny glimpses inside myself. They became like beacons helping me when I felt so lost and afraid without my familiar thoughts/behaviors to fall back on. Even when I didn’t understand any of it I began to trust more and more…….. and then slowly the ‘not knowing’ became the gift of possibility.
The place from which I could get out from under the personal ‘bullying’ and re-write the map of me.
These days when I speak with people about practices of self awareness, communication and loving yourself fully I often hear things like ‘it sounds too hard’, that’s too much work’ or ‘it’s impossible’. And I truly understand this response.
10 yrs ago I might have said the same thing…..I don’t know.
And I think this might feel true with anything that is not habitual, the ‘norm’ or even familiar…..or any form of ‘un-learning’.
And yes, it took work, it was hard at times and I was never sure it was ‘possible’.
But I felt that way with surfing, a certain handful of performance pieces over the years, traveling solo to West Africa and countless other things throughout my life. Maybe I felt that way when I set out to climb my first tree or ride my bike……I don’t remember. But I do know it took work to learn these things and now they are an integrated part of me.
And it is the same with loving yourself, learning new perspectives, new tools and re-mapping within yourself.
You practice…… and suddenly you are on that top branch or down the block with a sense of incredible freedom.
Thanks for reading…..